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GOOD TOASTS 

AND 

FUNNY STORIES 


COMPILED AND EDITED BY 

ARTHUR LEROY KASER 

* % 



CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 

C c 














COPYRIGHT, 1923 

BY 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 


Made in U. S. A. 




C1A760727 


Good Toasts ana Funny Stories 

NOV -5 ’23 


''Vvg J 







GOOD TOASTS 

AND 

FUNNY STORIES 









PREFACE 


Good Toasts and Funny Stories is offered with 
the intention of brightening the lives of those who 
look upon the world with gloom-searching eyes, and of 
keeping bright the lives of those who look upon the 
universe with eyes optimistic. It has taken in and 
drawn a circle around only a limited territory, but in 
that circle are the things that are nearest us: namely, 
Patriotism, Home, Love, Man, Woman, and Wit. 

Some of the toasts and stories are original, some 
have been borrowed from better pens, while others 
have been revived and brought back to life after lying 
for many moons under the dust of passing time. 
But whatever their source, it is hoped that they will 
be the means of bringing good cheer to some sad 
heart, or of putting that effervescent finish to the 
dinner. 

How often a dinner falls flat. The food may be 
of the best, and the service unexcelled, and still some¬ 
thing is found to be wanting. Material food may 
satisfy the physical element, but it takes something 
more to satisfy the hunger of the soul. 

And what can satisfy the hungry soul more than 
good cheer and a smile that comes from the heart? 
If a story is good enough and the speaker knows how 
to tell it to the best advantage the iron heart of a 
stone man can be made to ripple with that panacea of 
all ills, laughter. And real laughter is the sign of 
good cheer. 


5 











































CONTENTS 


PAGE 


Preface ..... 


5 

Origin of the Toast 


9 

The Toastmaster . 


• 13 

Let’s Toast the Ladies 


. . 1 7 

And Now the Men 


• 33 

Don’t Forget Our Friends . 


• 47 

Patriotism .... 


• 55 

To Our Home 


. . 6i 

Miscellaneous Toasts 

• 

• • 65 

After-Dinner Stories . 

• 

• 93 


7 

















' 



















. 






























ORIGIN OF THE TOAST 


The custom of drinking health to the living is 
probably derived from the ancient religious rite of 
drinking to the gods and the dead. The Greeks and 
the Romans at meals poured out libations to their 
gods, and at ceremonial banquets drank to them and 
to friends and relatives who had passed to the Great 
Beyond. The Norsemen drank the “ minne ” of 
Thor, Odin and Freya at the funeral feasts. With 
the advent of Christianity the pagan custom sur¬ 
vived among the Scandinavian and Teutonic peoples. 

The English expression, “ to toast,” in the special 
sense of drinking a health, does not occur earlier than 
the seventeenth century. At that time it was cus¬ 
tomary to put a piece of toast in the wine cup before 
drinking, with the fanciful notion that it gave the 
wine a better flavor. The fact that a charming 
woman gave the added zest to life which the toast 
gave to the wine may, in some vague way, have served 
to connect the two. At any rate, during the reign of 
the Stuarts they were always associated. The toast 
was invariabty a woman. This fact gives a point to 
the following story. 

While a certain young woman was bathing in the 
medicinal waters of Bath, Charles Stuart and his 
train happened to be passing. The king stopped, 
filled his cup from the pool, bowed to the lady and 
smilingly drank to her very good health. One of the 
gentlemen-in-waiting addressed His Majesty. “ Sire,” 
he said, “ you may have the wine. I’ll take the 

9 



10 


ORIGIN OF THE TOAST 


toast.” And springing into the water he embraced 
the astonished young woman. 

By the time the third George was crowned, drinking 
had been reduced to a fine art—increased to a fine 
art is perhaps a better way of putting it. The 
principal business of a Georgian gentleman appears 
to have been the drinking of spirituous liquors. The 
number of toasts proposed at their banquets is as¬ 
tounding. The diners would drink to each other, to 
their absent sweethearts, to persons prominent in the 
army, the navy and the civil service lists, to members 
of the king’s household, and finally, as a fitting climax 
to a hectic evening, they would each fill and drain a 
bumper to His Majesty himself. When the king’s 
health had been drunk the glasses were sent crashing 
to the floor; a dramatic gesture, but a rather expen¬ 
sive one. The idea probably originated in the brain 
of some enterprising glass manufacturer. In later 
years the custom of breaking the glasses was abol¬ 
ished, and His Majesty’s was placed at the beginning 
of the list instead of the end. The etiquette of the 
period decreed that the toast to the sovereign must be 
drunk standing, and it was found that better results 
could be obtained in this direction by having the 
king’s health proposed earlier in the evening. 

The valiant who could drain glass after glass 
through such an evening and still keep his head—and 
his feet—was known as a “ five bottle man.” The 
weaker brother who succumbed early in the proceed¬ 
ings, and slid from his chair to the floor under the 
table, was known as a “ two bottle man.” That there 
were many such is evidenced by the fact that all the 
more important taverns in and about London had a 
page whose especial duty was to crawl about under 



ORIGIN OF THE TOAST 


11 


the table on these occasions and loosen the stocks, 
or neckcloths, of the recumbent gentlemen in order to 
lessen the chances of an apoplectic fit. 

It may be surmised after reading the foregoing 
that the drinking of alcoholic liquors was no longer 
considered part of a religious ritual. 

Of the various drinking phrases whose origin has 
been subject to widespread debate, none perhaps has 
been more argued over than 66 doch-an-doris,” an 
ancient Scotch expression which, like many other 
things derived from that hardy and interesting race, 
survives with perennial bloom and popularity. Its 
phonetic make-up has given rise to a widely prevalent 
belief that its origin was due to the sailors’ custom of 
visiting the last place on the dock for a farewell drink 
before stepping into the dory that would carry them 
to their ship. But an analysis of the phrase changes 
that definition. It comes from the Gaelic, deoch an 
doruis: deoch, drink ; an, the; doruis, door. Literally, 
a drink at the door; a parting cup; a stirrup cup. 

There was a time in the history of our own Western 
states when a man would put his life in jeopardy by 
refusing to drink when some free-handed miner or 
cowboy was “ settin’ ’em up.” Conditions are dif¬ 
ferent now, however; other times, other manners. 
There is no longer any penalty attached to the re¬ 
fusing to drink alcoholic beverages—quite the con¬ 
trary. 

The dictionary definition of a toast is: “ To drink 
to, or in'honor of.” To-day this definition is more 
or less an error, as it is considered quite correct to 
propose a toast and respond to a toast in the entire 
absence of any liquid refreshment. 
















THE TOASTMASTER 




The following appeared in the City Press, London, 
under date of June 4th, 1870: 

“ I recently heard, when dining in the city, that the 
origin of the custom of having toastmasters at city 
banquets was something as follows: It is said that 
at one of the banquets of the Old East India Com¬ 
pany the Duke of Cambridge, who was always partial 
to dining in the city, had to speak. Mr. Toole, who 
was one of the officials of the company and a man by 
no means wanting in confidence, said: 6 Some of the 
gentlemen have some difficulty in hearing your Royal 
Highness; shall I give out what the toast is? 5 The 
practice was found so convenient that it was repeated 
on many future occasions and Mr. Toole developed 
into the great 6 City Toastmaster.’ ” 

A toastmaster is one who presides and announces 
the toasts at all after-dinner or post-prandial exer¬ 
cises, unless the function is entirely informal. The 
toastmaster may be either a man or a woman, the 
term toastmaster applying to either sex. 

The toastmaster is usually seated at the center of 
the head-table where he acts as the presiding officer, 
directing the exercises of the occasion. He might be 
called an absolute monarch, an autocrat in his high 
seat. 

At all strictly formal affairs there is a rule which 
should be invariably followed in the placing of any 
prominent guests at the table. The most prominent 

i3 















14. 


THE TOASTMASTER 


guest is seated at the right of the toastmaster, the 
second in prominence at the toastmaster’s left, the 
third at the right of the leading guest, the fourth at 
the left of the second guest, and so on. 

The assembly is called to order by the toastmaster 
after the dinner is over and the table has been 
cleared by the waiters. A gavel is seldom used in this 
instance, the assembly being brought to order by the 
toastmaster rapping on a glass with a knife or fork. 

The toastmaster’s duty is to preside and announce, 
not to make speeches. Although he is the monarch 
of the occasion he should never attempt to exercise 
his authority in monopolizing time. His opening 
remarks should not exceed five, minutes, unless the 
nature of the occasion should call for a longer talk, 
and even then should be as short as possible. He 
uses his own discretion as regards the sequence of 
the speakers. He may call on the most prominent 
speaker first or hold him until several others have 
preceded him. 

There are very few really good toastmasters in the 
country, or in the world, for that matter. They are 
not made; they are born. To be able to introduce a 
speaker in a brief, concise manner, with well chosen 
words, requires an artist. 

Someone has drawn up a series of “ Toastmaster’s 
Axioms ” which, while facetious in tone, nevertheless 
afford food for thought. Here they are: 

“ 1.—The toastmaster should not be the whole 
thing. I have attended banquets where he was, and 
other banquets where he only thought he was. In 
either case, I would have been ahead of the game to 
the extent of a banquet ticket, taxicab fare, and a 
pleasant evening, if I had stayed at home. 



THE TOASTMASTER 


15 


“ 2.—The toastmaster should allow the respondents 
a little of the time set apart for the speaking. 

“ 3.—The toastmaster should under no circum¬ 
stances deliver the respondent’s speech in introducing 
him. 

“ 4.—The toastmaster should not tell every known 
story in introducing the speakers. Leave a few for 
them to tell. Sometimes a speaker’s entire remarks 
are going to remind him of a story as a climax. 
Think what a toastmaster has done to a speaker 
when he has hogged not only the speaker’s story, but 
his climax! 

44 5.—The toastmaster should not, after a speaker 
has concluded his speech, express his approval by 
making the speech over again, or trying to improve 
on it. 

44 6.—The toastmaster should try to make the 
speakers feel at home. There are moments when 
even the most calloused speakers wish they were. 

44 7.—The toastmaster should always have in his 
repertoire the phrase, 4 We have with us to-night.’ 
This not only relieves the apprehension of the audi¬ 
ence, but also allows the toastmaster to 4 say an un¬ 
disputed thing in such a solemn way.’ 

44 8.—The words— 4 needs no introduction ’ can 
also be used with effect. Do not, however, follow 
with a biographical sketch, or excerpts from the 
4 Blue Book ’ or 4 Who’s Who.’ 

44 9. —The toastmaster’s introduction of a speaker 
should not, as a rule, be longer than the speech of 
the respondent. 

44 10.—The toastmaster’s introduction, on the 
other hand, should not be so brief as to be brutal. 
To be introduced as I was once— 4 The next is Mr. 








16 


THE TOASTMASTER 


Williams, who will now talk to us,’ is nothing short 
of criminal, and incites thoughts of murder and re¬ 
venge. In such cases, a toastmaster is unnecessary, 
and a printed list, or an illuminated sign-board, such 
as obtains at a vaudeville performance, is a big im¬ 
provement. 

“ 11.—The toastmaster should be empowered by 
law to kill a speaker who talks over two hours. An 
hour and a half should be the limit, and there are 
men who can say something in twenty minutes. With¬ 
out arbitrarily fixing any given time, the height of 
the art of after-dinner oratory is in knowing when 
to sit down; the average banquet is neither an en¬ 
durance test, nor a Chinese drama. 

“ 12.—The toastmaster must please everybody and 
offend nobody. 

“ 13.—The toastmaster should have at least a 
speaking acquaintance with the respondents. Noth¬ 
ing is more embarrassing for all concerned than to 
have a toastmaster frame up a glowing speech of 
welcome to 4 our well-known friend, whose smiling face 
I now gaze into with feelings of fondest regard,’ and 
launch this at a totally innocent but amazed guest 
at the speaker’s table, until someone pulls the toast¬ 
master’s coat-tails and informs him that the man he 
is trying to introduce is seated over here on the other 
side. 

“ 14.—The toastmaster mus-t keep sober. A faith¬ 
ful observance of this prerogative should entitle the 
toastmaster to a Carnegie medal for heroism and 
self-sacrifice.” 







LET’S TOAST THE LADIES 


A GOOD REASON 

A toast of wine, to woman divine, 

I would toss off in haste, methink; 

To her eyes, to her hair, to her beauty so 
rare- 

But I haven’t the wine to drink. 


RAISON D’ETRE 

To women: Who were created solely for the pur¬ 
pose of keeping the men guessing. 


A WARNING 

• ) 

pe ls r f- e u a WO man that a thing is as plain as the 
nose on her face. 


ESSENTIAL 

Here’s to women, and other expenses. 

1 - 

DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES 

Drink to me only with thine eyes, 

I And I will pledge with mine; 

Or leave a kiss within the cup, 
l And I’ll not look for wine. 

Ben Jons on. 


n 










18 


GOOD TOASTS 


A QUANDARY 

To women: Like a—like a—What are they like ? 
You can’t live without them, and you can’t live with 
them. 


TAKE YOUR CHOICE 
Here’s to girls: Wise and otherwise. 

L 


MORALE 


Here’s to the girl behind the man behind the gun. 

Admiral Scliley. 


THE ELK’S TOAST 

Ho, gentlemen! Lift your glasses up, 

Each gallant, each swain and each lover! 

A kiss to the beads that brim in the cup— 

A laugh for the foam spilt over! 

For the soul is aflame and the heart beU/efa*>U 
And care has unloosened its tether. 

“ Now drink,” savs the sage, “ for to-morrow we 
die 

So, let’s have a toast together! 

Swing the goblet aloft, to the lips let it fall, 
Then bend you the knee to address her, 

And drink, gentle sirs, to the queen of them all— 
To the woman that’s good—God bless her! 

A youth is a madcap, and time is a churl, 
Pleasure calls and remorse follows after; 

The world hustles on in its pitiless whirl, 
With its kisses, its tears and its laughter. 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


19 


But there’s one gentle heart in its bosom of 
white— 

The maid with the tender eyes gleaming— 

Who has all the wealth of my homage to-night, 
Where she lies in her innocent dreaming. 

And a watch over her my spirit shall keep, 
While the angels lean down to caress her, 

And I’ll pledge her again in her beautiful sleep— 
The woman that’s good—God bless her! 


THE SOURCE OF JOY 

To woman: That true source of our joys! The 
mother, the sister, the wife, the true, sympathetic 
friend! Without her the first man found the Garden 
of Eden but a desert; for her, kings have given up 
their thrones, generals have left their armies, and 
the course of empire has turned aside. When she 
ceases to exist, the human race will no longer survive. 
She is to man “ the rainbow in his storms of life, the 
evening beam that smiles the clouds away and tints 
the morrow with prophetic ray! ” 

James A. Cooper. 


HELLO! 

To the telephone girl: May she have rings other 
than those in her ears. 


SALT OF THE EARTH 
Here’s to woman: The salt of the earth since Lot’s 
time. 











20_GOOD TOASTS 

SWEETHEARTS 

Here’s to sweethearts: The morning-glories of life, 
the first real flowers that we gather in the garden of 
existence. 


THE THREE P’S 

Here’s to the press, the pulpit and the petticoat, 
the three ruling powers of the day. The first spreads 
knowledge, the second spreads morals and the third 
spreads considerably. 


TO YOU, FAIR LADY 

I’ll praise your hair, your eyes, your brow, 
Sing hey, sing ho, sing heydy! 

I’d splinter lances for your sake, 

’Twere better lance than heart should break. 
But lack-a-day, what art can make 
A knight of a monk, my lady? 

Robert E. MacAlarney. 


NO WORDS NEEDED 

Here’s to woman: That’s all. No necessity for a 
eulogy. She speaks for herself. 


VERY RUDE, NO? 

The neighbors call her chicken; 

But, honest, she’s not bad. 

They call, her chicken just because 
She has a henpecked dad. 











AND FUNNY STORIES 


21 


LITERATURE 

To woman: The work of the greatest of Authors. 
The edition is large, the bindings various, some are 
more interesting than others. No man should be 
without a copy. 


DUTY 

Women should make home a happy place for their 
husbands, even if they have to leave home to do it. 


SUB-ROSA 

Here’s to the girl, demure and bland, 

In entertaining, apt and able; 

Whose eyes look down, whene’er her hand 
Caresses yours beneath the table. 

Wm. E. S. Fales. 


WOMAN’S LOVELINESS 

I fill this cup to one made up 
Of loveliness alone, 

A woman of her gentle sex 
The seeming paragon. 

Her health! and would on earth there stood 
Some more of such a frame, 

That life might be all poetry, 

And weariness a name. 

Edward Coate Pickney. 


CHARM 

Here’s to the girls: May they wear their short 
dresses longer and their long dresses shorter. 









22 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE BETTER THOUGHT 

Here’s to God’s first thought, man! 
Here’s to God’s second thought, woman! 
Second thoughts are always best, 

So here’s to woman. 


PROGRESS 

Here’s to woman: Once our superior; now our 
equal. 


DIFFERENCES 

Most women like to be flattered. The rest are the 
same way. 


FAIR ONE 

If she be not so to me, 

What care I how faire she be? 

George Wither . 


DITTO 

Here’s to women who are tender, 

slender, 


a 

a 

a 

66 

66 


66 

66 

66 

66 

66 


66 

66 

66 

66 

66 


66 

66 

66 

66 

66 


66 

66 

66 


But they’re dead 


large and fat and red; 
married, 
have tarried, 
are speechless— 


A FRIEND AT LAST 

Contrary to the sayings of wags and jokesmiths, 
Here’s to my mother-in-law; I love her. 









AND FUNNY STORIES 


23 


THE WIDOW 

Here’s to the widow: Who now and then 
Plays havoc with the single men. 


LIKE A CLOCK 

Here’s to women: So much like a clock—pretty 
hands, pretty face, pretty movement, and hard to 
regulate when they get out of order. 


LEAVE IT TO ME 

Just a quiet place on a summer night, 

When the moon casts just a wee bit of light, 
And a girl who’s fair and sweet to see, 

Just she and I—leave the rest to me. 


AN AFFLICTION 

O! Love! Love! laddie. 

Love’s like a dizziness! 

It winna let a puir body 
Gang about his business. 

Hogg . 


HIS DEFINITION 

The professor was endeavoring to give a definition 
of woman. After clearing his throat, he began: 

“ Woman is, generally speaking-” 

“ Stop right there, professor,” interrupted 
low-brow; “ if you talked a thousand years you’ 
never get any nearer to it than that.” 


cj TJ 










24 


GOOD TOASTS 


The professor tried it again. 44 Woman is, gen¬ 
erally speaking-■” 

44 Yes, she generally is,” murmured a poor married 
man in the front row. 


REASONS 

Here’s to woman: Whom we admire for her beauty, \y 
respect for her intelligence, adore for her virtue, and 
love because we can’t help it. 


EXCUSE ME 

To you, sweet lady of the violin, 

To you whose soul with music is blest, 
Accept this toast from the masculine: 

May the violin give your chin a rest. 


YOU ABOVE ALL 

If I’d toast all the stars in the heavens, 
Or the flowers of every hue, 

The toast would be no comparison 
To the one I give to you. 


ALL OF ’EM 

Here’s to the girls that I know; 

Here’s to the girls that you know; 

Here’s to the girls that someone else knows, 
And here’s to the girls we all know. 




















AND FUNNY STORIES 


25 


SOME TERRITORY 
Here’s to the girl that I love, 

And here’s to the girl who loves me; 

And here’s to all that love her whom I love, 
And all those who love her who loves me. 

Ouida. 


I BEG YOUR PARDON 

To her, who’s as thin as boarding-house soup, 
Or the coffee they give you to drink; 

For her exercise she frequently dives 

Down the pipe that runs from the sink. 


THIS ONE IS WRONG 

Drink to fair woman, who, I think, 

Is most entitled to it. 

For if anything ever can drive me to drink, 
She certainly can do it. 


CANDOR 

Here’s to the woman who will tell her age. A 
woman that will do that will tell anything. 


FEE-FI-FUM 

Fee simple and simple fee, 

And all the fees entail, 

Are nothing when compared to thee, 
Thou best of fees—female. 














26 


GOOD TOASTS 


BRAVERY 

Here’s to the bravery of women. They must be 
scared to death of a mouse, but will go around all 
day with rats in their hair. 


ON THE FLY SCREEN 

Twinkle, twinkle, little movie star, 
How I wonder who you are; 

You’re on the screen and then flit by— 
I think you’re just a little fly. 


COMBINED 

A wife is a combination of Love, Beauty, and 
Stubbornness. 


A WISH 

May the happiest days of your past be the saddest 
days of your future. 


CONFUSION 

Oh woman. In our hours of ease 
Uncertain, coy and hard to please, 

But seen too oft, familiar with thv face 
We first endure, then pity, then embrace. 

Scott — Pope. 


THE ONE GIRL 

Here’s to you: The rose of the world, whose fra¬ 
grance alone would make life worth living in Siberia. 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


27 


A WOMAN IN IT 

They talk about a woman’s sphere 
As though it had a limit; 

There’s not a place in earth or heaven, 
There’s not a task to mankind given, 
There’s not a blessing or a woe, 
There’s not a whispered yes or no, 
There’s not a life, there’s not a birth, 
That has a feather’s weight of worth 
Without a woman in it. 


DISCRETION 

Here’s to our wives and to our sweethearts. May 
they never meet. 


OBITUARY 

Sweet little May from a city school 
Once tried to milk a cow; 

The cow refused to sit on the stool— 
Little May’s with angels now. 


THE WOMAN 

Here’s to the woman of thirty-and-five: 

She’s as sweet as the queen bee throned in her hive. 
She’s worth all the maidens of “ bashful fifteen ” 
That ever were thought of, heard of, or seen! 

John Ernest McCann. 












28 


GOOD TOASTS 


MOTHER AND BABY 

Here’s to mother, the pilot, and baby, the compass 
of your bark: 

They will steer you into morning, through the fog, 
the storm and dark. 


WITH RESERVATIONS 

May our women resemble fairies in their spirits— 
never in their inconstancy. 


UNHAPPINESS 

May misfortune never compel a woman to be a 
wife without love. 


DANGER SIGNAL 

May women begin to doubt when men begin to 
swear fidelity. 


JUSTICE 

Pretty girl who gets a kiss, then goes and tells her 
mother, 

Does a very foolish thing, and don’t deserve another. 


SOMETHING DOING 

Here’s to any place there’s a woman; for where 
there is a woman there is either happiness or excite¬ 
ment. 












AND FUNNY STORIES 


29 


O WOMAN! 

0 woman! lovely woman! in our hours of ease 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, 

And variable as the shade 

By the light quivering aspen made; 

When pain and anguish wring the brow, 

A ministering angel thou! 

Scott. 


HOME 

Home without a woman in it is not a home. 


LOVELY WOMAN 

O woman! Lovely woman! Nature made thee 
To temper man: we had been brutes without you. - 
Angels are painted fair, to look like you: 

There’s in you all that we believe of heaven— 
Amazing brightness, purity and truth, 

Eternal joy and everlasting love. 

Otway. 


TEARS 

A Voman may be entirety wrong until she starts 
to sniffle, then she’s right. Anything to stop the 

sniffle. 


THE SAILOR’S GIRL 

The wind that blows, 

The ship that goes 

And the lass that loves a sailor. 

















30 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE MASTERPIECE 

And nature swears, the lovely dears 
Her noblest work she classes, O; 

Her ’prentice hand she tried on man 
And then she made the lasses, O. 

Burns. 


IF WOMAN BE THERE 

Here is to woman, whose heart and whose soul 

Are the light and the life of each spell we pursue: 
Whether sunn’d at the tropics or chill’d at the pole, 
If woman be there, there is happiness too. 


DELICACY 

To describe women, the pen should be dipped in the 
humid colors of the rainbow, and the paper dried 
with the dust gathered from the wings of a butterfly. 

Diderot. 


A MISTAKE 

Here’s to woman: One of Nature’s agreeable 
blunders. 


FIRST 

Here’s to woman: First in our hearts, and first in 
our pockets. 


SILENCE 

Women: We love them still. 








f! 

_ AND FUNNY STORIES _31 

MOTHERS 

Here’s to mothers: The guide-posts to Heaven. 


IN GENERAL 


To our sweethearts and wives: Our dreams and 
inspirations, our ambitions, balance-wheels and finan¬ 
ciers, guides and comforts, counsellors and comrades. 




LOVE 


May those now love 

Who’ve never loved before; 
May those who’ve loved 
Now love the more. 


SORCERY 

Here’s to woman: That fair magician who can turn 
a man into a donkey, and at the same time make him 

•J J 

:hink he’s a lion. 


ABSENT 

Here’s to the girls of the American shore, 
I love but one, I love no more, 

Since she’s not here to drink her part, 

I’ll drink her share with all my heart. 


DANGER 

Here’s to love: The only fire against which there 
is no insurance. 
















32 


GOOD TOASTS 


ONLY ONE 

Here’s to one, and only one, 
And may that one be she, 

Who loves but one, and only one, 
And may that one be me. 


PERFECTION 

Here’s to earth’s noblest thing: A woman perfected. 




AND NOW THE MEN 


THE REAL THING 
Here’s to man: When he is one. 


JONAH 

Here’s to Jonah: The first man who wanted the 
earth. 


SATISFIED 

Many a man is satisfied 
To talk; 

Yes, just talk, 

Of the matrimonial ship on which he’d like to float. 
But when it’s time for the ship to leave 
He stalls; 

Yes, just stalls, 

Until he’s satisfied he’s missed the darned old boat. 


THREE VISITS 

To my departed uncle: Who, the first time he went 
to church, had water thrown on him; who, the second 
time he went to church, had rice thrown on him; who, 
the third time he went to church, had dirt thrown on 

him. 


33 







34 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE CON MAN’S CREED 
Man is the only animal that can be skinned more 
than once. 


HUMAN FOLLY 

But man, proud man, 

Drest in a little brief authority, 

Most ignorant of what he’s most assured,— 
His glassy essence—like an angry ape, 

Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven 
As make the angels weep. 

Shakespeare. 


A FISH TALE 

All day long he keeps casting the bait, 
While lying upon the shore; 

Then wearily homeward he trudges his way, 
Where, no doubt, he will lie some more. 

For on his way home he catches a mess 
At a market just over the hill; 

And he craftily smiles in a satisfied way— 
His bait is a one-dollar bill. 


ARTISTIC 

I know an artist, and whether you believe it or 
not, he drew a rabbit on a man’s bald head that looked 
so natural that it was taken for a hare. 


TONSORIAL 

Here’s to our barber: The village cut-up. 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


35 


NUMERICAL 

To the bookkeeper: Whose only exercise is running 
up and down the columns. 


CLIMATICAL 

A lot of men get the idea that they are breezy 
when they are onty windy. 


50—50 

There’s a beautiful toast 
To the feminine host— 

There’s a swing to “ The ladies—God bless 
’em.” 

But the women should cry 
With their glasses on high, 

A toast to the men who dress ’em. 


COMMUNISM IN PRACTICE 

“ It is remarkable,” said Mr. Gruntler, “ how mean 
some people are. I had with me on a fishing trip two 
friends who evidently were familiar with my reputa¬ 
tion as an angler. Before starting, one of them made 
the following suggestion: 4 We will agree that the 
first one who catches a fish must treat the crowd.’ 
I assented to this, and we started. Now, don’t you 
know those two fellows both had a bite and were too 
mean to pull them up? But I’ll admit that I was 
just as clever as they were; I didn’t have any bait on 
my hook.” 


Nezc York Telegraph. 








36 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE SCHOOL TEACHER 
You may couple the brains of Bacon 
With the enterprise of the bee, 

But you’ll lose your job in the public school 
If your trousers bag at the knee. 

Creswell MacLaughlin. 


THE BARBER AGAIN 

To the barber: Who has it over the rest of us 
/when it comes to trimming anybody. 


PIONEER 

Here’s to Adam, the first sports promoter: He 
started the races. 


TO THE OFFICE BOY 
A bumper to the office boy, 

To whom all men are one; 

He turns aside the millionaire, 

He turns aside the bum. 

Cerberus at the gates is he, 

A lion in the path, 

A hundred eyes are in his head, 

But nary heart he hath. 

Scowls he as your steps draw near, 

It’s a sign for you to stop; 

Nor tears nor gold will soften him, 

For he knows he owns the shop. 

R. W. Criswell. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


37 


LAWYER AND CLIENT 

Who taught me first to litigate, 
My neighbor and my brother hate, 
And my own rights to overrate? 
My lawyer. 

Who lied to me about his case, 

And said we’d have an easy race, 
And did it all with solemn face? 
My client. 


BOYS 

Here’s to the boys: May they live to look back on 
themselves with envy. 


AUTHORS 

To the author: The queerest of animals; their tales 
come out of their head. 


LANDLORDS 

To our landlord: Who installed shorter beds so 
we couldn’t sleep so long. 


RECIPROCITY 

Here’s to most men who love little women, and 
here’s to little women who love most men. 


THE SHOEMAKER 

To the shoemaker: Who pegs away to renew our 
soles. 









38 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE MEN WHO LOST 

When you’ve toasted all the captains that have sailed 
the ship of Right, 

And have bowed before the laurel crown of them 
that won the fight, 

Here’s then another health I name—the vessel tem¬ 
pest tost, 

Drink to the ship that went astray; drink to the 
men who lost. 


Their name? their name is legion; their names you 
never knew; 

They would not rise again from shame to take the 
crown of you; 

For what avails the homage of the teeming street and 
mart, 

The statue in the market place, when worms are at 
the heart ? 


A better song is in their ears than ever victor heard, 
A higher praise is in their hearts than any gilded 
word, 

They have learned the final lesson, though to their 
eternal cost, 

The men who lived and suffered, the men who loved 
and lost. 






Through all the world they wander, these outcasts at 
your gate, 

Tdiev have done with all your customs, and they 
preach the word of hate; 

\ et aie they kin of you, and once at least our paths 
have crossed; 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


39 


Then pledge us now—Drink deep and long—Stand 
up: The Men Who Lost! 

Author Unknown. 


GOING—GOING- 

A little fuzz may now and then 

Be found on the heads of the baldest men. 


ACHIEVEMENT 

Here’s to the men who are born good, and the very 
few who make good. 


AVOIRDUPOIS 

Here’s to him, who is terribly fat— 

So fat, I’m sorry to say, 

That when he stands up or when he lies down, 
He’s just as high either way. 


PHILOSOPHY 

Don’t kick because you have to button your wife’s 
waist. Be glad your wife has a waist, and doubly 
glad you have a wife to button a waist for. Some 
men’s wives have no waists to button. Some men’s 
wives’ waists have no buttons on to button. Some 
men’s wives’ waists which have buttons on to button 
don’t care a button whether they are buttoned or not. 
Some men don’t have any wives with buttons on to 
button. 











40 


GOOD TOASTS 


HEROES ALL 

Here’s to the heroes of the Civil War; here’s to the 
heroes of the Spanish War ; here’s to the heroes of the 
World War ; here’s to the—married men. 


GROCERS 

To grocers: Whose honest tea is the best policy. 


OLD PAL 

Here’s to you, old pal, 

Although you may not know it; 

If I had a million dollars or so 

You’re the one on whom I’d blow it. 


THE HARDWARE DEALER 

To the hardware dealer: Who, if he keeps hammer¬ 
ing away on the level, will nail plenty of customers, 
providing he’s on the square. That’s plane to see. 


CHROMATIC 

Here’s to the man who isn’t afraid to show his 
colors and prove that he isn’t yellow. 


PLEASE RUSH 

To Burbank, if he’d condescend 
To patent, make and sell 
An onion with an onion taste 
But with a violet smell. 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


41 


THE MILKMAN 

To the milkman: May he never become fresh, 
though we demand that his milk be so. 


THE DENTIST 

To the dentist: Who, East, West, North and South, 

Always lives from hand to mouth. 


THE PAPER-HANGER 

To the paper-hanger: Who is always up against it 
and still remains stuck up. 


THE BAKER 

To the baker: Who loafs around all day and still 
makes the dough. 


HONOR IS DUE 

To the right man in the right place: A husband at 
home in the evening. 


THE CONDUCTOR 

To the street car conductor: May he always know 
what is fare. 


POULTRY FEED 

Here’s to man: May he not be a worm and crawl 
around until some chicken picks him up. 










42 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE BRIDEGROOM 

To the bridegroom: They always look alike in some 
respects, especially foolish-like. 


IMMIGRATION 

To Christopher Columbus: The first assisted 
Italian immigrant to this country. 


THE HABERDASHER 

To the haberdasher: Who should collar the dollars, 
but not tie up the business in doing it. 


THE THOROUGH UNDERTAKER 

To the undertaker: May he always put the finish¬ 
ing touches to whatever he undertakes. 


SUCCESS IN FAILURE 

When you have loyally toasted your monarch and 
drunk to your generous host, 

And the time draws near for the parting; should you 
seek a final toast, 

Then fill your glasses to the brim and when the rims 
have kissed, 

Drain them, my comrades, silently to them that have 
shot and missed. 

To him who has shot and missed 
I pledge myself to-day, 

Who has cursed or laughed at the wasted shaft 
And thrown the bow away. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


43 


Stand comrades, stand in silence, with glasses raised 
above, 

We are drinking to hearts that are empty; we are 
drinking to clinkered love, 

We are drinking to wasted valor; we are drinking to 
hopes that have fled, 

And, Heaven forgive and help them, we are drinking 
to souls that are dead. 

To him that has tried and failed 
I pledge myself to-day, 

Who has conquered sloth and done his work 
And seen it thrown away. 

Not in contempt or triumph have you cleverly hit 
your mark, 

Some bows are drawn at a venture; some shafts fly 
home in the dark; 

Some win an easy target, content with a sordid gain; 

But now we honor the fearless hearts who have shot 
at the stars in vain. 

To all who have shot and missed 
I pledge myself to-day: 

To the weary life; to the wasted dart; 

To the broken bow; to the empty heart; 

To the fires that have died away. 

Humphrey Stephenson , in “ London Times. , ' > 


THE COURAGE OF MAN 

Here’s to man from morning till night; 

Here’s to the man with courage to fight— 
The courage to fight and the courage to live— 
The courage to learn, and to love, and forgive. 





44 


GOOD TOASTS 


TO ALL 

Here’s a toast to all who are here, 
No matter where you’re from; 
May the best day you have ever seen 
Be worse than your worst to come. 


THE HUMAN INSECT 
Here’s to the man who’s fly enough to get caught 
in beauty’s web. 


TRAVEL 

May we all travel to one destination: Happiness, 
but by the right road. 


ABSENCE 

To all absent friends on land and sea. 


COUNSEL 

May every wise man listen to a good suggestion, 
even from a fool. 


THE FELLOW WHO’LL TAKE MY PLACE 

Here is a toast that I want to drink to a fellow I’ll 
never know, 

To the fellow who’s going to take my place when it’s 
time for me to go. 

I’ve wondered what kind of a chap he’ll be and I’ve 
wished I could take his hand, 

Just to whisper, “ I wish you well, old man,” in a 
way he’d understand. 









4ND FUNNY STORIES 


45 


I’d like to give him the cheering word that I’ve longed 
at times to hear; 

I’d like to -give him the warm hand-clasp when never 
a friend seems near. 

I’ve learned my knowledge by sheer hard work, and I 
wish I could pass it on 

To the fellow who’ll come to take my place some day 
when I am gone. 

Will he see all the sad mistakes I’ve made and note 
all the battles lost? 

Will he ever guess of the tears they caused or the 
heartaches which they cost? 

Will he gaze through failure and fruitless toil to 
the underlying plan, 

And catch a glimpse of the real intent and the heart 
of the vanquished man? 

I dare to hope he may pause some day as he toils as 
I have wrought, 

And gain some strength for his weary task from the 
battles which I have fought. 

But I’ve only the task itself to leave with the cares 
for him to face, 

And never a cheering word may speak to the fellow 
who’ll take my place. 

Then here’s to your health, old chap; I drink as a 
bridegroom to his bride; 

I leave an unfinished task for you, but God knows 
how I tried. 

I’ve dreamed my dreams as all men do, but never g. 
one came true, 

And my prayer to-day is that all the dreams may be 
realized by you, 




46 


GOOD TOASTS 


And we’ll meet some day in the great unknown—out 
in the realm of space; 

You’ll know my clasp as I take your hand and gaze 
in your tired face. 

Then all our failures will be success in the light of 
the new found dawn— 

So I’m drinking your health, old chap, who’ll take 
my place when I am gone. 


Author Unknown. 








DON’T FORGET OUR FRIENDS 


THE REAL THING 

Our friends: May we have only one real one rather 
than a thousand who are just friends. 


THE HAND OF FRIENDSHIP 

Here’s to the hand of friendship, 
Sincere, twice tried, and true, 

That smiles in the hour of triumph, 
And laughs at its joys with you, 

Yet stands in the night of sorrow, 
Close by when the shadows fall, 

And never turns the picture 
Of an old friend to the wall. 

Unknown. 


HAPPINESS 

May you find it easily without looking in the 
dictionary. 


OUTWITTING OLD NICK 
May j^our soul be in glory three weeks before the 
divil knows you’re dead. 


47 







48 


GOOD TOASTS 


TO MY FRIEND 

He may be six kinds of a liar, 

He may be ten kinds of a fool; 

He may be a blooming high flyer, 

✓Without any reason or rule, 

There may be a shadow above him 
Of ruin—and woes that impend;' 

I may not respect—but I love him— 

I love him because he’s my friend. 

I know he has faults bv the billion, 

» But his faults are a portion of him. 

I know that his record’s vermilion, 

He’s far from a sweet seraphim. 

But he’s always been square with Yours Truly, 
Ever ready to give or to lend, 

And though he is wild and unruly, 

I love him, because he’s mv friend. 

I knock him, I know, but I do it 
The same to his face as away; 

And if other folks knock—well, they rue it, 

And wish they’d had nothing to say. 

I never make diagrams of him, . — 

No maps of his soul have I penned; 

For I don’t analyze—I just love him, 

Because—well, because lie’s my friend. 

The St. Louis Robert E. Lee. 


FIDELITY 

May we nWer cast aside our old friends for the 
new. 











AND FUNNY STORIES 


49 


/ 


TO THE ABSENT 

A health to our friends who are absent— 
Let us trust they cannot be found; 

For sure’s I’m alive, if they should arrive, 
There would not be enough to go ’round. 



A BIT OF SCOTCH- 

May the hinges of friendship never rust, nor the 
wings of love lose a feather. 

Old Scotch Toast. 


I WISH 

I wish thee health, 

I wish thee wealth, 

I wish thee gold in store, 

I wish thee heaven upon earth, 

What could I wish thee more? 

• Unknown. 


FOOD FOR -THOUGHT 
Mav your friends be as true to you as they think 
you are to them. 


TO ME 

Here’s to me, as good as I am; 
Here’s to you, as bad as you are; 
But as good as I am, 

And as bad as you are, 

You’re as good as I am 
As bad as you are. 









50 


GOOD TOASTS 


OURS AND YOURS 

Here’s a health to you and yours 

Who have done such things for us and ours; 

And when we and ours 

Have it in our powers 

To do for you and yours 

What you and yours 

Have done for us and ours, 

Then we and ours 
Will do for you and yours 
What you and yours 
Have done for us and ours. 


HAPPINESS 

May you live as long as you like, 

And have what you like as long as you live. 


THE HANDCLASP 

Ah, how good it feels—the hand of an old friend! 

Longfellow. 


VITALITY VS. VIRTUE 

The good die young: Here’s hoping you live to a 
ripe old age. 


SHADOWS 

May we never have friends who, like shadows, keep 
close to us in the sunshine, only to desert us on a 
cloudy day or in the night. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


51 


UNANIMOUS 

Here’s a health to all of you—and me, too. 


GOOD FORTUNE 

May bad luck follow you all the days of your life 
hut never catch up with \ r ou. 


LONG AGO 

To the days of long ago, 

To the tale we bring, 

To the song we sing, 

And the friends we used to know. 


PROSPERITY 

May we have more and more friends, and need them 
less and less. 


FIDELITY 

May our friends be patterned after the porous 
plaster: The kind that stick to you. 


ENOUGH FOR ALL 

Here’s a health to all of them that we love, 

And a health to all those that love us, 

And a health to all those that love them that we love, 
And to them that love those that love us. 










52 


GOOD TOASTS 


GOLDEN SILENCE 

Here’s to the man who thinks twice and then keeps 
still. 


WELCOME 

Come in the evening, or come in the morning; 

Come when 3^oa’re looked for, come without warn¬ 
ing; 

A thousand welcomes you’ll find here before you; 
And the oftener you come the more I’ll adore you! 

An Old Irish Toast. 


OLD FRIEND 

Here’s to you, old friend. May you live a thousand 
years, 

Just to sort of cheer things in this vale of human 
tears; 

And may I live a thousand, too—a thousand—less a 
day, 

’Cause I wouldn’t care to be on earth and hear 
you’d passed awa}\ 


SLIGHT ACQUAINTANCE 
May you never know sorrow but by name. 


EASY VISION 

May you look backward without regret and for¬ 
ward with pleasure. 









AND FUNNY STORIES 


53 


LIFE’S RECORDS 

May your injuries be written in sand and your 
friendships in marble. 


AULD LANG SYNE 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 

And never brought to min’, 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 

And auld lang syne. 

For auld lang syne, my dear, 

For auld lang syne, 

We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, 

For auld lang syne. 

And here’s a hand my trusty tier 
And gie’s a hand o’ thine, 

And we’ll tak’ a right guid willie-waught 
For auld lang syne. 


Robert Burns. 









































PATRIOTISM 


THE THEME 

Let our object be our country, our whole country, 
and nothing but our country. 

Daniel Webster. 


ENLIGHTENMENT 
To America: The lighthouse of the world. 


MY LAND FOREVER 

Land of the forest and the rock, 

Of dark blue lake and mighty river, 

Of mountains reared on high to mock 
The storm’s career and lightning shock, 

My own green land forever. 

Longfellozv. 


THE OLD SHIP 

May our ship of government always ride on an 
even keel. 


EDUCATION 

May our schools never fail to teach one thing: 
Patriotism. 


• 55 







56 


GOOD TOASTS 


HAPPINESS 

The United States: May she always wear that con¬ 
tented, though independent, smile. 


RIGHT OR WRONG 

Our country: In her intercourse with foreign 
nations, may she always be in the right—but our 
country, right or wrong. 

Stephen Decatur. 


OUR FLAG 

When Freedom, from her mountain height 
Unfurled her standard to the air, 

She tore the azure robe of night 
And set the stars of glory there; 

She mingled with its gorgeous dyes 
The milky baldric of the skies, 

And striped its pure celestial white 
With streakings of the morning light. 

Drake. 


THE EAGLE 

Here’s to the American eagle: The liberty bird 
that permits no liberties. 


GEORGE WASHINGTON 

To the memory of George Washington: The child¬ 
less father of a hundred and twenty million. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


57 


WOMEN AND MEN 

To America: Her lovely women and her brave men. 


UNION 

We stand army and navy equally, shoulder to 
shoulder—the common defenses of a common land, 
without any prejudices or any unfriendly feeling be¬ 
tween us. We know no state and no portion of the 
country; and were you to ask any officer on the high 
seas, crossing the mid-ocean, whether he came from 
New Jersey or Missouri, he would laugh at you. 
The answer would be that he came from the United 
States. 

General Sherman . 


AGAIN, THE EAGLE 

May our national eagle ever stand in readiness to 
tear the feather from any other bird that tries to 
destroy its nest. 

OUR SHIPS AND OUR GIRLS 

Here’s to the ships of our navy, 

Here’s to the girls of our land, 

May the former be always well rigged, 

May the latter be always well manned. 

Unknown . 


UNCLE SAM 

Here’s to Uncle Sam: The most respected, genial, 
farcical, picturesque, courteous, gallant, hospitable, 
generous, liberty-loving, calm, judicial, honorable, 
misunderstood old myth that ever was invented. 







58 


GOOD TOASTS 


REMEMBER 

May our soldiers and sailors be remembered in 
peacetime as well as in wartime. 


O SHIP OF STATE 

Sail on, O ship of State! 

Sail on, O Union, strong and great! 
Humanity, with all its fears, 

With all the hopes of future years, 

Is hanging breathless on thy fate! 

* % * sfr 

Sail on, nor fear to breast the sea! 

Our hearts, our hopes, are all with thee; 

Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, 
Our faith triumphant o’er our fears, 

Are all with thee—are all with thee! 

Longfellow. 


ONE 


One flag, one land, one heart, one hand, one nation 
evermore. 


Oliver Wendell Holmes. 


IMMORTAL 

To our country. Above everything that is mortal 
—our country. 


THE FLAG 

Here’s to the flag: The emblem of patriotism, of 
fraternity, of good will to man; and may the day 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


59 


come when all the flags of civilization, each by itself, 
each in the glory of its independence, will float from 
a common staff. 


MERCHANT MARINE 

May the stars of America ever light up the ocean, 
and her ships dot every sea. 


STARS AND STRIPES 

A toast to her, for her we pray, 

Our voices silent never; 

For her we’ll fight, come wdiat, come may, 
The Stars and Stripes forever. 















TO OUR HOME 


WHAT IT MEANS 

Home: A kingdom for the father; paradise for the 
child; the world for the mother. 


PERFECTION 

Home: The nearest place to Heaven on earth. 


GRATITUDE 

To the home: The place where we receive the best 
treatment and the place we least appreciate. 


THAT’S DIFFERENT 

Here’s to our home, 

And here’s to the club, 

But not to the home 

Where the club waits the “ hub.” 

Phil McAllister. 


FATHER 


To 
pal to 


my father: A playmate in my childhood, and a 
me now. 

61 







62 


GOOD TOASTS 

MOTHER 

To my mother: The best, the kindest, the most 
wonderful thing God ever created. 


PROPER FRACTIONS 

Here’s to our better halves, 

Who reconcile us to our poorer quarters. 

F. M. 


THE APPLE 

Here’s to the wife, the apple of the soul: And may 
we never throw away the core. 


TO MY WIFE 

They told me when I married her 
My ardent love would fade away, 
But as I buy her gowns I find 
My wife grows dearer every day. 


THEY MAY EXIST 

Here’s to the wives that don’t go through their 
husbands’ pockets at night. I don’t know where you 
can find them; but here’s to them. 


THE REASON 
Mv wife is an expert shopper; 

But I think there’s a reason why— 

During her early childhood 

She incessantly cried, “ Bye, b}^e! ” 













AND FUNNY STORIES 63 


APPRECIATION 

May the husband always appreciate the home as 
the wife appreciates his appreciation. 


THE HUSBAND 

For him she plays, to him she sings 
Of early faith and plighted vows; 

She knows but matters of the house, 

And he—he knows a thousand things. 

Alfred Tennyson. 


INNOCENCE 

Here’s to the most innocent women in the world: 
The ones who think their husbands eat cloves because 
I hey like them. 


REAL WEALTH 

Primary: A good wife, health, happiness. 
Secondary: Riches. 


THE LEADING LADY 

To my wife: Whom I led to the altar— 
I admit I did not then wince. 

Yeah; I led her to the altar, 

But she’s led me ever since. 


SUNSHINE 

The best way to have sunshine in the home is to 
keep the storm clouds out. 










64 


GOOD TOASTS 


DIFFERENT 

Here’s to the home: May it be a place of sunshine 
and cheer; not moonshine and beer. 


JEWELS 

To our mothers: The most precious of jewels ; flaw¬ 
less, regardless of their mountings. 


THE HARBOR 

Home: The harbor we seek when our ship flounders. 





1 


MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS 


I WOULD RATHER 
I would rather be toasted than roasted; 
I would rather be patted than struck; 

I would rather have cash when I need it, 
Than to need it and just trust to luck. 


I would rather be smiled at than laughed at; 

I would rather have one friend than none; 

I would rather be buried, a dead one, 

Than live and be classed as one. 

Kaser. 


WHAT IT IS 

A toast is just an opportunity to flatter, make 
someone expand with ego, and get a drink, all at the 
same time. 


GOOD THINGS 


Good company, good wine, 
good people. 


good welcome, make 
Shakespeare. 


TAKING NO CHANCES 
Here’s to the whole world, for fear that someone 
might feel slighted. 


65 






66 


GOOD TOASTS 


A WARNING 

Let us drink to Jack! Let us drink to Jill! / 

The regrettable incident on the hill 
May serve to point a moral still 
To every son and daughter. 

Don’t seek by thrills to gain renown. 
Don’t climb up hills, and don’t fall down. 
Don’t flirt with Jills, nor break your crown, 
And never fool with water. 

Larry E. Johnson. 


FROM THE RUBAIYAT 

Yesterday’s this day’s madness did prepare: 
To-morrow’s silence, triumph or despair. 

Drink! for you know not whence you come nor why; 
Drink! for you know not why you go nor where. 

Omar. 


GRATITUDE 

I thank yon for your welcome which was cordial, 
and your cordial which was welcome. 


TOASTS AND ROASTS 

Here’s a toast 
To the host 

Who carves the roast; 
And a toast 

To the hostess— 

May she never roast us. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


67 


PROSPERITY 

Prosperity: May it ever be the rising sun of 
America. 


CHERCHEZ LA FEMME 

Here’s to everything, because there’s sure to be a 
woman at the bottom of it. 


WATCH OUT 

Here’s to the stork with a great big bill; 

It might come to me, it might come to you. 
And here’s to the doctor who helps the stork— 
Doc always has a big bill, too. 


POINT OF VIEW 

Laugh a little more at your own troubles, and a 
little less at your neighbor’s. 


PREPAREDNESS 

To a fire engine: May she be like the old maids of 
the village; always ready but never called for. 


NO MATTER WHEN 

Llere’s a sigh to those who love me, 

And a smile to those who hate, 

And whatever skv’s above me, 

Here’s a heart for any fate. 

Lord Byron . 








68 


GOOD TOASTS 


VANITY 

Oh, the lonesomeness of being stuck on one’s self! 


THE PEN 

Oh, turn not from the humble pig, 

My child, or think him infra-dig. 

We oft hear literary men 

Boast of the influence of the pen; 

Yet when we read in History’s page 
Of human pigs in every age, 

From Croesus to the present day, 

Is it, my child, so hard to say 
(Despite the Scribe’s vainglorious boast) 
What pen has influenced man the most? 

Oliver Herford. 


TO GOLFERS 

There was a man in our town, 

And he was wondrous wise; 

He jumped into a tournament 
And came out with a prize. 

And when he saw the cup he’d won, 
With all his might and main 
He jumped into ten entry lists 
But never won again. 


THE CRITICS 

I’ll write because I’ll give 
You critics means to live; 

For should I not supply 
The cause, th’ effect would die. 

Robert Herrick. 






AND FUNNY STORIES 


69 


A LAWYER’S INVOCATION TO SPRING 

Whereas on certain boughs and sprays 
Now divers birds are heard to sing, 

And sundry flowers their heads upraise 
Hail to the coming on of Spring! 

The songs of those said birds arouse 
The memory of our youthful hours, 

As green as those said sprays and boughs, 
As fresh and sweet as those said flowers. 

The birds aforesaid—happy pairs— 

Love, ’mid the aforesaid boughs, inshrines 
In freehold nests; themselves their heirs, 
Administrators, and assigns. 

O busiest term of Cupid’s court, 

Where tender plaintiffs actions bring— 
Season of frolic and of sport 

Hail, as aforesaid coming Spring! 

Henty Howard Brownell. 


KNOWLEDGE 

You may know the fellow 
Who thinks he thinks, 

Or the fellow who thinks he knows; 
But find the fellow 
Who. knows he thinks— 

And you know the fellow who knows. 






70 


GOOD TOASTS 


WHY NOT? 

Here’s to my pipe, a trusty friend indeed, 

Filled with that soothing and rest-giving weed, 

That fills my soul with peace and joy and laughter— 
I’d rather smoke here than in the hereafter. 


HIGHER EDUCATION 
Women should study domestic silence. 


GRUMBLING 

May we never grumble without cause, 
And may we never have cause to grumble. 


THE SIMIAN LEAP 

’Tis said that we sprang from monkeys. Here, 
then, is to the nimbleness of our ancestors who have 
given us power to spring so far. 


SYMPTOMS 

When your heels hit hard and 3 r our head feels queer, 
And your thoughts rise up like the foam on beer, 
And your knees get weak and your voice gets strong, 
And you laugh all night at some darn fool song, 
Then you’re drunk, by gosh! You’re drunk. 


UNANSWERABLE 

To the greatest of riddles: Life—we all have to 
give it up. 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


71 


GENERAL ORDERS 

Ma} r we always be under the orders of General 
Peace, General Plenty and General Prosperity. 


SILENCE 

Oh, the man who has nothing to say, and says it. 


TO FATHER TIME 

Here’s a health in a homely rhyme, 

To our oldest classmate, Father Time; 
May our last survivor live to be 
As bald and as wise and as tough as he! 

Oliver Wendell Holmes. 


SANITY 

Laugh; the world won’t think you’re cuckoo. 


THE ACTOR 

Here’s to the actor: He may have no end of ani¬ 
mosities in private life, but always makes up before 
he appears on the stage. 


TO THE HORSE 

O horse, you are a wonderful thing; no buttons 
to push, no horn to honk; you start yourself, no 
clutch to slip; no spark to miss, no gears to strip; 
no license-buying every, year, with plates to screw on 
front and rear; no gas bills climbing up each day, 
stealing the joy of life away; no speed cops chug- 









72 


GOOD TOASTS 


ging in your rear, yelling summons in your ear. 
Your inner tubes are all O. K., and, thank the Lord, 
they stay that way; your spark plugs never miss 
and fuss; your motor never makes us cuss. Your 
frame is good for many a mile; your body never 
changes style. Your wants are few and easy met; 
you’ve something on the auto yet. 

H. R. Elliott. 


CHRISTMAS 

May the cold of Christmas be forgotten in the 
comfort of its cheer. 


DOG-GONE IT! 

Here’s to little Fido, 

The clever little pup. 

He can stand on his hind legs 

When you hold the front ones up. 


THE FLIGHT OF TIME 

Boyhood is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old 
age a regret. 


A THING OF BEAUTY 
A thing of beauty is a joy forever 
Its loveliness increases; it will never 
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep 
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep 
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet 
breathing. 


Keats . 







AND FUNNY STORIES _73 

CAUSE AND EFFECT 

“At the punch-bowl’s brink 
Let the thirsty think! ” 

So they say in Japan. 

“ First the man takes a drink, 

Then the drink takes a drink, 

Then the drink takes the man.” 


THE CHANGING TIDE 

The tide rises, the tide falls, 

The twilight darkens, the curfew calls; 

The little waves with their soft white hands, 
Efface the footprints in the sands, 

And the tide rises, the tide falls. 


LIGHT 

The night has a thousand eyes, 

And the day but one; 

Yet the light of the bright world dies 
With the dying sun. 

The mind has a thousand eyes, 

And the heart but one; 

Yet the light of a whole life dies 
When Love is done. 

Fs. W. Bourdillon. 


TO ALL OF US 

May our lives, like the leaves of the maple, grow 
More beautiful as they fade. 

May we say our farewells, when it’s time to go, 
All smiling and unafraid. 

Larry E. Johnson. 








7 4 


GOOD TOASTS 


ACTORS 

To actors: Who work while they play. 


SHUT OUT CARE 

Care, like a dun, 

Lurks at the gate: 

Let the dog wait; 

Happy we’ll be! 

Drink every one; 

Pile the coals, 

Fill the red bowls, 

Round the old tree. 

Thackeray. 


THE MIRROR 

To the mirror: May it always get it back at you. 


THE STRANGER 

As I left home this evening my little boy said to 
me, “ Good bye, daddy, call again.” 


CONTENT 

Content: May it always follow you without the 
“ Dis ” for a pilot. 


BON VOYAGE 

May you sail forever on pleasure’s boat, but never 
on a storm-tossed sea. 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


75 


A KEEN HAND 

To a safety raiser: Ace, King, Queen, Jack, and 
Ten of Spades. 


LET’S LAUGH 

Laugh at all things, 

Great and small things, 

Sick or well, at sea or shore; 

While we’re quaffing, 

Let’s have laughing, 

Who the divil cares for more? 

Byron. 


AN EXCEPTION 

To the vacuum cleaner: The only sucker that was 
ever popular. 


DICE 

Shooting crap is a shaky business. 


SUFFERING 

May we never suffer, but may we never ignore the 
wants of those that do. 


MOTORS 

To the auto: an expensive economy. 









76 


GOOD TOASTS 


CHARITY 

May we never know what charity is except to heed 
and give. 


CIGAR PHILOSOPHY 

The mighty Thebe and Babylon the great, 
Imperial Rome, in turn, have bowed to fate; 

So this great world and each particular star 
Must all burn out, like you, my last cigar: 

A puff—a transient fire, that ends in smoke. 

And all that’s given to man—that bitter joke— 
Youth, Hope, and Love, three whiffs of passing 
zest, 

Then come the ashes, and the long, long rest. 

Henry James Meller. 


REWARDED EFFORTS 

A small town newspaper tells of an editor in a 
neighboring town who “ started poor some twenty 
years ago, and has now retired with the comfortable 
fortune of $50,000, acquired through industry, 
economy, conscientious efforts to give full value, in¬ 
domitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle, 
who left the editor $49,999.50.” 


WEALTH 

Here’s to our dream of wealth: May we safely 
bank it before we wake up. 









AND FUNNY STORIES 


77 


CORSETS 

To the corset: May it go to stay, and never again 
go to waist. 


FAIR AND CLOUDY 

Mortals say their hearts are light 
When the clouds around disperse; 
Clouds to gather thick as night, 

Is the smoker’s universe. 

From the German. 


FOREWARNING 

A stitch in time may save one from having a rip¬ 
ping time. 


DRINKING 

The thirsty earth soaks up the rain, 

And drinks, and gapes for drink again. 
The plants suck in the earth, and are 
With constant drinking fresh and fair. 
The sea itself, which, one would think, 
Should have but little need of drink, 
Drinks ten thousand rivers up, 

So filled that they o’erflow the cup. 

The busy sun (and one would guess 
By his drunken, fiery face no less) 
Drinks up the sea, and when he’s done, 
The moon and stars drink up the sun. 
They drink and dance bv their own light, 
They drink and revel all the night, 






78 


GOOD TOASTS 


Nothing in nature’s sober found, 

But an eternal health goes round. 

Pill up the bowl, then, fill it high. 

Pill all the glasses there—for why 
Should every creature drink but I? 

Why, men of morals, tell me why? 

Cowley. 


DIPLOMACY 

May those who have enemies exercise diplomacy 
and convert those enemies into friends. 


PROHIBITION 

There are thousands of reasons why I favor 
prohibition, but I can’t think of one of them. 


OLD PIPE OF MINE 

Let others seek the bliss that reigns 
In homage paid at beauty’s shrine, 

We envy not such foolish gains, 

In sweet content, old pipe of mine. 

John J. Gormley. 


ENJOYMENT OF WORK 
May our work be as enjoyable as our play. 


ADVERTISING 

Our mints: The only places that make money with¬ 
out advertising. 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


79 


PROHIBITION AGAIN 

Here’s to prohibition: May it continue to reduce 
the number of men who think they can sing. 


HAPPINESS 

Happiness: The one thing a man can’t keep to 
himself. 


NOT TAKING CHANCES 

You may think it queer 
That I’m standing here 

And drinking a toast to myself. 
But I’m really afraid 
If my toast is delayed 

I’ll be missed and left on the shelf. 


MYSTERIES 

To the mysteries of life: Love, women—and hash. 


HELL 

Here’s to hell: If we go there, may we have as 
good a time as we have had getting there. 


* THE SANER WAY 

It is better to run around with a spendthrift than 
to marry one. 









80 


GOOD TOASTS 


THE ISRAELITE 

To the Israelite: The only light that cannot he 
seen in the dark. 


THE PIPE 

To my old pipe: The strongest, yet the most 
crooked, friend I ever had. 


THE DOG 

To our friend, the dog: The only animal that 
didn’t want to enter the ark, because it had a bark of 
its own. 


THE UNIVERSAL TOAST 

Observe, when Mother Earth is dry, 

She drinks the droppings of the sky, 

And then the dewy’cordial gives 
To every thirsty plant that lives. 

The vapors which at evening sweep 
Are beverage to the swelling deep, 

And when the rosy sun appears, 

He drinks the misty ocean’s tears. 

The moon, too, quaffs her paly stream 
Of lustre from the solar beam; 

Then hence with all your sober thinking! 
Since Nature’s holy law is drinking, 

I’ll make the law of Nature mine, 

And pledge the Universe in wine. 

Tom Moore. 






AND FUNNY STORIES 


81 


THE HEN 

To the hen: The product of which has caused many 
a poor actor to get shell-shocked. 


BALDNESS 

To the lock of a bald head: The most difficult lock 
to pick. 


SLEEP 

To Morpheus: May he let us sleep like a log, but 
not like a sawmill. 


PURSUIT 

After man came woman—and she’s been after him 
ever since. 


GET WISE TO THIS 

Plere’s to the owl, that sat on the oak— 
The more he heard the less he spoke; 
The less he spoke the more he heard— 
May we all be more like that bird. 


MIDNIGHT OIL 

Here’s to the burners of the midnight oil . May it 
be other than cylinder oil. 


YOUTH 

To youth: May they never sow wild oats for the 
nightmare. 









82 


GOOD TOASTS 


BORES 

Bores: May they bore themselves to death. 


BABIES 

We haven’t all the good fortune to be ladies; we 
have not all been generals; or poets or statesmen; but 
when the toast works down to the babies we stand on 
common ground. We’ve all been babies. 

Mark Twain. 


TEMPERAMENT 

To our temperament: May it be other than just 
an artistic name for emotional insanity. 


WOMEN 

In one particular all women are alike. Each thinks 
she is different. 


PIUMAN NATURE 

Let each one strive with all his might 
To be a decent man, 

To love his neighbor as himself, 

Upon the golden plan. 

And if his neighbor chance to be 
A pretty female woman, 

Why, love her all the more. You see 
That’s only acting human. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


83 


DIVORCE 

Here’s to the only people who don’t believe in 
divorce—the unmarried ones. 


CHAPERONS 

Any girl would gladly give up a chaperon for the 
privilege of calling some chap her own. 


HEADS 

Here’s to the level-headed one: May he never be 
referred to as the flat-headed one. 


EVERYONE 

Oh, fill them high with generous juice, 

As generous as your mind ; 

And pledge me in the generous toast— 

“ The whole of human kind! ” 

Burns. 


PERSISTENCE 

To the porous plaster: It sticketh to you closer 
than a brother. 

/ 

LAUGHTER AND TEARS 

Laugh and the world laughs with you ; 

Weep, and it gives you the laugh anyway. 


ORANGE BLOSSOMS 

To the minister’s bride: May it be a good thing 
she married. 












84? 


GOOD TOASTS 


NOT FOR SALE 

There are two things, one can’t deny, 
No wealth is great enough to buy; 
One is a disposition bright, 

The other, a healthy appetite. 


FAIRNESS 

To chess and checkers: About the only games that 
are played on the square. 


LIFE 

Here’s to life: Entered with a protest; endured 
on compulsion; left with a sigh. 


SOUP 

Here’s to soup: May it be seen and not heard. 


PRUNES 

To the dependable prune: The plum with inflam¬ 
matory rheumatism. 


THE SUN 

To the sun: The spotlight of the universe. 


BEGGARS 

Beggars should never be boozers, but a lot of them 
are. 












AND FUNNY STORIES 


85 


FOR OLD TIME’S SAKE 
I drink it as the Fates ordain it, 

Come, fill it, and have done with rhymes; 

Fill up the lonely glass, and drain it 
In memory of dear old times. 

Thackeray. 


TOLERANCE 

May we use the same eyes to look upon our own 
faults as we do the faults of others. 


COURAGE 

To the crow: The bravest bird in the world; it 
never shows the white feather. 


COURTSHIP 

To courtship: The ship with two mates and no 
captain. 


CHILL 

The furnace: The iron monster of the home that 
must be coaled to prevent cold. 


MY OWN 

O nose, a health to thee! 

I am proud as any mountain of its snow; 
I gaze on thee, and feel that pride 
A Roman knows! 









86 


GOOD TOASTS 


DREAMS 

To my smoking stand: Where the ashes of my 
dreams are flicked. 


TOBACCO AGAIN 

Tobacco: Sir Walter Raleigh’s idea of a man’s 
panacea. 


THE UNIVERSE 

Here’s to the whole universe, so that no one will 
feel slighted. 


AT THE WEDDING 

Let us toast the health of the bride; 

Let us toast the health of the groom, 
Let us toast the parson that tied; 

Let us toast every guest in the room. 


EYES 

May every eye be a window to a pure heart. 


NIGHT 

And the night shall be filled with music, 

And the cares that infest the day 
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs, 

And as silently steal aw T ay. 

Longfellow. 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


87 


A LITTLE THIS, A LITTLE THAT 
A little health, a little wealth, 

A little house and freedom, 

With some few friends for certain ends 
But little cause to need ’em. 


UNCOMMON SENSE 

Here’s to common sense: A most uncommon thin^. 

O 


IF WE DARED 

Here’s to those who’d love us, 
If we only cared! 

And to those whom we’d love, 
If we only dared! 


INTEMPERANCE 

Here’s to the man in the moon: He pays no atten¬ 
tion to prohibition. He gets full periodically. 


’TWOULD THEN BE INSUFFICIENT 

Could I pluck from the eagle’s favored wing 
The softest feather that has kissed the blue, 

I’d dip it in ambrosial nectarine 
And paint the gentlest words a gentler hue; 
Then I would seek great Shakespeare’s cenotaph. 
And scatter o’er those words his sacred dust; 
And then, inspired by love of purest love, 

I’d fashion them into an angel’s bust: 

And from her lips, ’twere vain to come from 
other, 

I’d have a toast, good fellows, to my mother. 







88 


GOOD TOASTS 


A TRUE HEART 

May we have the unspeakable good fortune to win 
a true heart, and the merit to keep it. 


THE FUTURE 

Here’s a health to the future; 

A sigh for the past, 

We can love and remember, 
And hope to the last, 

And for all the base lies 
That the almanacs hold, 
While there’s love in the heart, 
We can never grow old. 



FAITHFUL FORTUNE 
May good fortune stick by you like a hound dog 
to a rabbit track. 


MARRIAGE 

May all single men be married, and all married 
men be happy. 


IT’S UP TO US 

We come in this world all naked and bare; 

We go through this world full of sorrow and care; 
We go out of this world for we know not where— 
But if we do wdl here we’ll do well there. 







AND FUNNY STORIES 


89 


THAT’S YOU 
Here’s to the merry old world, 

And the days, be they bright or blue; 

Here’s to the fates, let them bring what they may, 
But the best of them all: That’s you! 


SANCTUARY 

Here’s to woman, present and past, 
And those to come hereafter; 

But if one comes here after us, boys, 
We’ll have no cause for laughter. 


SILENCE AGAIN 

Here’s to the man who has little to say and says 
less. 


BEARDS 

Here’s to the men with beards: May they get out 
of many scrapes. 


DAYLIGHT SAVING 

Here’s to daylight saving: The question of the 

hour. 


NECKTIES 

Some men wear beards because their wives buy 
their neckties. 








90 


GOOD TOASTS 


LAW IN EDEN 

Here’s to Adam: The first man to have a suit in 
the apple-ate court. 


WOMAN’S RIGHTS 

Here’s to the three inalienable rights of women: 
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of a husband. 


THE SQUARE MAN 

May the man who is on the square have a large 
circle of friends. 


HUMANITY 

I live for those who love me, 

For those who know me true, 

For the heaven that bends above me, 

And the good that I can do; 

For the wrongs that need resistance, 

For the cause that lacks assistance, 

For the future in the distance 
And the good that I can do. 

Thomas Guthrie. 


NEW YEAR’S DAY 

Full knee deep lies the winter snow, 

And the winter winds are wearily sighing; 
Toll ye the church bells sad and slow, 

And tread softly and speak low, 

For the old year lies a-dying. 

—And let him in 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


91 

That standeth here alone, 

And waiteth at the door. 

There’s a new foot on the floor, my friend, 
And a new face at the door, my friend, 

A new face at the door. 

Tennyson. 


FOURTH OF JULY 
Let hoary dynasties forget 

Their natal story’s fabling page ; 

Our country keeps her birthday yet 
And dares the world to doubt her age. 

Theron Brown. 


THANKSGIVING DAY 

The God of harvest praise; 

In loud thanksgiving raise 
Hand, heart and voice. 

The valleys laugh and sing, 

Forests and mountains ring, 

The plains their tribute bring, 

The streams rejoice. 

James Montgomery. 


CHRISTMAS EVE 

Come guard this night the Christmas pie 
That the thief, though ne’er so sly, 
With his flesh-hooks, don’t come nigh 
To catch it. 


Robert Herrick. 







92 


GOOD TOASTS 


CHRISTMAS 

I wish 3 r ou a Merry Christmas 
And a Happy New Year, 

A pocket full of money, 

And a cellar full of beer! 


Apple pie and Simon Beer, 

Christmas comes but once a year. 

Old Southern saying . 


To the stout sirloin, 

And the rich spiced wine, 

And the boar’s head grimly staring, 
To the frumenty, 

And the hot mince pie 
Which all the folks were for sharing. 


MEMORIAL DAY 

The nation that cherishes the graves of its soldiers 
and assembles to honor them is the nation that pre¬ 
serves and enlarges national life. 

Benjamin Harrison. 


BIRTHDAY 

God grant you many and happy years, 

Till, when the last has crowned you, 

The dawn of endless days appears, 

And heaven is shining round you! 

Oliver Wendell Holmes. 








AFTER-DINNER STORIES 


A few words of advice to those who are ambitious to 
become after-dinner speakers. 

From the beginning of the seventeenth century 
until the end of the nineteenth, the drinking of toasts 
was a rather ceremonious affair. The toastmaster 
very formally proposed the toast, then called upon 
one of the gentlemen present to respond. The person 
called upon then arose and delivered a flowery speech 
full of classical allusions and rounded periods; his 
style was stilted and his gestures dramatic; and he 
usually concluded with some set expression such as: 
“ Gentlemen, let us drain a bumper to the health 

of-,” or, “ Gentlemen, I give you-” The 

other members of the company then raised their 
glasses, clinked them against the glasses of their im¬ 
mediate neighbors, drank the toast—and the cere¬ 
mony was ended b}^ turning the glasses up to show 
that there were no heel taps. 

At the present time such stereotyped forms are 
more or less obsolete. The formal toasts are pro¬ 
posed only at functions of a public nature and on 
these occasions professional, or semi-professional 
humorists and after-dinner speakers are engaged to 
respond to them. At private dinners and invitation 
affairs it is customary for the toastmaster, or host, 
to ask any of the guests to make a few remarks for 
the entertainment of the rest of the company without 
limiting him to any particular toast or sentiment. 

93 





94 


GOOD TOASTS 


The person thus singled out rises and, in a conversa¬ 
tional tone and without any flourishes of rhetoric, or 
extravagant gestures, proceeds to speak on any sub¬ 
ject he thinks appropriate to the occasion. If possi¬ 
ble he tries to work in a pat epigram, or a few apt 
quotations, and he concludes his remarks by telling 
some anecdote which has a sure-fire laugh in it, after 
which he quietly resumes his seat. If there is any 
applause, either at the beginning or the end of his 
speech, a nod and a pleasant smile is considered 
sufficient acknowledgment. 

As to the matter and manner of the actual drink¬ 
ing, that need not be discussed here. (The question 
of where, when and what to drink has been settled 
by persons duly elected for that purpose. See the 
Eighteenth Amendment of the Constitution of the 
United States of America.) 

It is not expected, nor even desired, that every 
person called upon should make a speech, although 
it is customary to give each guest the opportunity to 
do so. But everyone ought to be able to make a few 
graceful remarks or tell a story to fit the occasion. 

Do not begin }mur remarks by saying that you 
have not had time to prepare a speech, or that you 
are unaccustomed to public speaking. If your speech 
is good your auditors will not care whether it has 
been prepared or not. If it is bad they will know it 
without being told. 

At a wedding breakfast recently the guests insisted 
upon the bridegroom making a speech. He was 
evidently not prepared and he did all he could to get 
out of it but they were not to be denied. Seeing 
that he would have to make some sort of an attempt 
he struggled to his feet and in a shaky voice began: 



AND FUNNY STORIES 


95 


“ Ladies and gentlemen, I—I—don’t know what to 

say. This thing was forced upon me-” At this 

point the entire table let out a roar of laughter. The 
bewildered groom looked around. What were they 
laughingat? He couldn’t understand it. He hadn’t 
intended to say anything funny. He hastily reviewed 
his words but still failed to see the joke until, happen¬ 
ing to look down, he noticed that he was standing 
with his hand on the shoulder of the bride. 

Do not attempt to tell your stories in dialect unless 
you have a special talent lying in that direction. It 
is very embarrassing, after finishing a story, to have 
some of your friends congratulate you upon your 
fine negro dialect and others congratulate you upon 
your wonderful Irish brogue, while as a matter of 
fact you have been trying to give an imitation of a 
Swede. 

It isn’t necessary to memorize your entire address, 
but the “ punch ” of each joke, story or sentiment 
should be rehearsed until you can deliver it verbatim, 
since the slightest alteration of the wording in some 
particular phrase may spoil the humor of your speech 
and make it absolutely pointless. Even the inter¬ 
change of* letters in the more important words may 
change a delicate sentiment into rank travesty, as 
witness the following story concerning the celebrated 
Dr. Spooner. 

A dinner was to be given in honor of the dean and 
faculty of a certain college in Oxford. Dr. Spooner 
had been notified that he would be expected to respond 
to the toast, “ Her beloved Majesty, Queen Victoria.” 
The doctor, knowing that he had an unfortunate 
tendency to make what afterwards became known 
as spoonerisms, decided to cut his speech as short as 





96 


GOOD TOASTS 


he possibly could. He would rise, bow to the toast¬ 
master, bow to the dean, then say: “ Gentlemen, my 
remarks must be brief and to the point, as I am 
leaving to-night by the down train. Here’s to our 
dear old queen. God bless her! ” 

The night of the banquet arrived and in due time 
the toastmaster gave the patriotic toast. Dr. 
Spooner arose, bowed gracefully to the toastmaster, 
to the dean, then said: “Gentlemen, my remarks 
must be brief and to the point as I am leaving to¬ 
night by the town drain. Here’s to our queer old 
dean. God bless her! ” 

Well begun is half done, and you will find that 
once you have conquered the nervousness incident to 
facing your auditors and making your opening ad¬ 
dress it will be a comparatively easy matter to speak 
entertainingly. “ Therefore,” in the words of Mark 
Twain, “ rise up on }'our hind legs, open your mouth 
and throw yourself into it.” 

Twain himself realized early in life that a weak 
attack makes for disaster. At the age of twelve he 
was slated to make his first appearance on an}' stage. 
It was the commencement exercise of the Hannibal 
public school and young Clemens had elected to de¬ 
liver those noble lines beginning: 

When Greece her knees in suppliance bent” 

The teacher called his name. The budding orator 
rose to his feet, fell over them and staggered on to 
the platform where he stood at bay, glaring into the 
faces of his grinning classmates, terror in his heart 
and a lump in his throat. Making a supreme effort 
he swallowed the. lump and in a low husky voice 
began: 



AND FUNNY STORIES 


97 


“ When Greece her knees -” 

He stopped, took a long breath and made a fresh 
start: 

When Greece her knees -” 

He could get no further; like a hunted hare he doubled 
back: 


“—Greece her knees—Greece her knees -” 

It was no use. He just couldn’t make the grade. 
He quit cold. 

“ Don’t give up, Sam,” said the teacher encourag¬ 
ingly. “ Grease her knees a couple of times more 
and she’ll make it! ” 

Don’t make a lengthy speech; be brief—particu¬ 
larly if your name is called late in the evening. One 
of the most sensible addresses we have ever heard was 
given by a Chicago man at a dinner in that city 
recently. The hour was late, the speeches had been 
long, and the diners were bored. “ Mr. Blank will 
now give us his address,” said the toastmaster, 
wearily. Mr. Blank stood up. “ My address is 390 
South Wabash Avenue,” he said, “ and I will be there 
in twenty minutes. Good night! ” 

Don’t laugh at your own jokes. If you do you 
may find (Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilcox to the contrary 
notwithstanding) that you laugh alone. 








WATER 


Mr. Toastmaster, Gentlemen: 

I feel highly honored indeed to be one of the chosen 
to say a few words this evening. I am requested to 
respond to the toast: “ Water, the purest and most 
wonderful thing that was ever created.” 

Water—that something, that fluid which descends 
from the clouds in the form of rain, and which forms 
lakes, rivers, seas, et cetera. Pure water (H 2 0) 
consists of hydrogen and oxygen and is slightly blue 
in color. At its maximum density, 39 degrees Fah¬ 
renheit or 4 degrees Centigrade, it is the standard for 
specific gravities, one cubic centimeter weighing one 
gram. 

You, as well as I, have seen it glistening in small 
globular teardrops on the ej^elids of troubled sweet¬ 
hearts and peevish infants, as well as go rushing in 
torrents down the wrinkled cheeks of the aged ones. 
And in the early morning I have seen it glistening and 
sparkling like so many diamonds on the grass blades 
and the flowers. I have seen it rushing like some 
wild thing down the rapids of the river, only to flow 
quietly and lazily where the river widens. I have 
heard it roar and rumble as it dashed down some 
steep precipice. And I have seen—I have seen— 
Gentlemen, what I want to say is, that as a beverage 
it’s a failure. 


TIE WASN’T THERE 

The new foreman was a hustler; there was no 
mistake about it. He possessed an eye like an eagle 
and nothing under his control escaped it. From 

98 





FUNNY STORIES 


99 


whistle to whistle his men worked. They either 
worked or they drew their pay and went home. 

If there was anything that would cause his wrath 
to mount to the highest pinnacle it was to discover a 
workman loafing on the job. So when he discovered 
a bricklayer contentedly stretched out in the shade 
of an upturned mortar box, smoking, the foreman’s 
wrath rose even above the pinnacles. 

“ Where d’ you get that stuff? ” he bellowed. 
“ Get back on the job in a hurry or you’ll be gettin’ 
your walkin’ papers ! ” 

“ Just as you say,” lazily answered the workman, 
“but what’s all the rush? Rome wasn’t built in a 
day.” 

66 Maybe not,” rejoined the foreman; “ but I wasn’t 
bossin’ that job.” 


SOME RELIEF 

Two travelling men had occasion to stop, one time, 
m a small town over night. They knew that the town 
was a dead one, and they had about made up their 
minds that the only way to pass the evening was to 
retire early. This they were about to do when the 
hotel proprietor, evidently feeling a bit sorry for 
them, invited them to attend a stag. The stag, he 
informed them, was a formal affair, and called for 
appropriate clothing. The salesmen eagerly ac¬ 
cepted the invitation, and after the departure of the 
proprietor they began devising ways and means of 
obtaining full dress suits. 

They*made a round of the few stores and were 
about to give up in despair when they ran across a 
small two-by-four store on a back street, where one 






100 


GOOD TOASTS 


Levinski agreed to rent them the suits for four dollars 
each. Making the necessary deposit, they rushed 
back to their room, and in record time they put them¬ 
selves in formal shape. 

It was only a short walk to the stag party and 
they arrived as the guests were sitting down to the 
table. Being good mixers, it wasn’t long before they 
were in the thick of the fun. But as the warm spring 
sun brings back the song-birds, so the warmth of 
their bodies brought to life little insects that had 
lain dormant since the clothes had last been in use. 
And with the return of life came an almost uncon¬ 
trollable desire on the part of the salesmen to scratch. 
They wiggled. They jiggled. The longer they sat 
the warmer they got, and the warmer they got the 
more the little pests seemed to enjoy themselves. It 
was becoming unbearable. 

Oh, who ever said it was ill-mannered to scratch? 
Agony! Ye gods and little fishes, what agony! 
They heard someone suggest that they all take turns 
around the table and tell stories. Good! That 
might detract their attention from the torture 
through which they were passing. Stories started 
coming thick and fast. It was time for Salesman 
Number One to tell one. Rising to his feet, he said: 

“ Friends: I am not much of a stoi^-teller. When¬ 
ever I stand before an audience I seem to get fidgety.” 
(Business of being fidgety.) 66 But I want to tell you 
about my father. My father was a great man. He 
was a great soldier. He wore leggings on his legs; ” 
(scratches legs) “ he wore a heavy pack on his back 
(scratches back) “ he wore straps on his shoulders,” 
(scratches shoulder) “ and a belt around his waist.” 
(Scratches zvaist line.) “ Then he was ordered into 




AND FUNNY STORIES 


101 


battle amid shot and shell. Did he turn back? He 
did not! He was wounded in dozens of places from 
head to foot.” ( Business of rubbing all parts of 
body.) “ Then, my friends, when the battle was 
over they placed countless medals on his chest.” 
(Scratches chest vigorously and sits dozen.) 

Salesman Number Two came next. Rising to his 
feet, he said: 

“ Friends, my father was not a great soldier. He 
did not wear leggings on his legs; ” ( scratches legs) 
“nor did-he wear a heavy pack on his back;” 
(scratches bach) “ nor a belt around his waist.” 
(Scratches zvaist.) “Neither did he go into battle 
amid shot and shell, and he was not wounded from 
head to foot.” ( Business of rubbing from head to 
foot.) “ So you see, my friends, he had no oppor¬ 
tunity to have countless medals pinned upon his 
chest.” ( Scratches chest.) “No, my friends, my 
father was not a great soldier, but he had ” ( digging 
fingers into hair and scratching vigorously) “ a won¬ 
derful brain.” 


THERE’S A DIFFERENCE 

Smith and Jones were standing on the corner await¬ 
ing the arrival of their particular street car when 
their neighbor, Brown, whizzed past in his machine. 

“ Fie seems to be pretty well satisfied with his car,” 
remarked Smith. 

“ Seems that way,” replied Jones. “ He told me 
that he hasn’t paid a cent for repairs in all the nine 
months that he’s had it.” 

“ Yeah,” said Smith. “ The garage man who does 
all the repairing told me the same thing.” 




102 


GOOD TOASTS 


DIPLOMACY 

Diplomacy is tact, or the art of getting out of 
tight places. Which reminds me of the case of a 
husband who entirely forgot when his wife’s birthday 
arrived. The consequences were that she received 
no present. J 

44 Henry,” said she, disconsolately, 44 you didn’t 
give me a birthday gift.” 

44 That’s so,” said Henry; 44 but you see, my dear, 
3 r ou always look so young that I can’t realize that 
you ever have any birthdays.” 

Then she was happy. He went in the other room 
and smiled. 


STRAIGHT 

44 I called a doctor last night.” 

44 Was anybody sick? ” 

44 Yes ; he was when he saw the hand I held.” 


WALL, DOG-GONE! 

An old backwoodsman from up in Maine painfully 
limped over to the general store for his mail and some 
chewing tobacco. The proprietor, otherwise known 
as the postmaster, accosted him. 

44 Mornin’, Hank. What seems to be ailin’ ye? ” 

44 Got a tarnation big corn atween my toes, and it’s 
sure painin’ me sumpin’ turrible.” 

44 Let’s take a look on it, Hank. Maybe as how I 
kin do sumpin’ fer it.” 

44 Won’t do no good, Ed. It’s been thataway nigh 
onto six weeks now.” 









AND FUNNY STORIES 


103 


“ Gosh, Hank, ’twon’t do no harm to let me look 
on it.” 

With much groaning Hank finally got his boot 
and sock off. 

“ Wall, dog-gone! ” exclaimed Ed. “ And ye said 
as how ye been troubled six weeks with that? ” 

“ Yep.” 

“Wall, ye darned old fool, you. This ain’t no 
corn. It’s a collar button! ” 


WHY, OF COURSE 

Two Irishmen were wandering through a museum 
when they came across a skeleton in a glass case. 

“ I’m a-wonderin’ whose skiliton thot is,” said Pat. 
“ Thot’s Julius Zazer’s skiliton,” vouchsafed Mike. 
“And who is thot? ” inquired Pat, indicating a 
smaller skeleton beside the larger one. 

“ Thot,” answered Mike, as one who knows, “ was 
Julius Zazer whin he was a boy.” 


LOST: ONE LUNCH 

A guilty conscience needs no accuser. This has 
been demonstrated time and time again. The follow-^ 
ing occurrence is one instance. 

A city man, taking a day from the office, prepared 
himself a big lunch and left for the creek some dis¬ 
tance from the town where it was claimed the fish were 
biting in good shape. When he arrived at the creek 
he discovered he had dropped the luncheon somewhere 
on the way, and hastened back to look for it. He 
finally met a burly negro, who looked very well 
pleased with himself, and was picking his teeth. 





104 


GOOD TOASTS 


“ Did you pick up anything in the road as you 
came along? ” asked the fisherman. 

“ No, sah,” answered the colored man, “ I didn’t 
pick up anything. Maybe a dog hab done found it 
an’ eat it up.” 


LOCAL COLOR 

Willie was lonesome. Other children w r ere not 
allowed to play with him because he had a slight 
touch of the mumps. He finally persuaded his aunt 
to play train with him. The chairs were arranged in 
line and he issued orders. 

“ You’re the engineer and I’m the conductor. Let 
me take your watch and you get in the cab.” Then 
he hurried down the platform, the timepiece in one 
hand while he waved his other arm. 

“ Pull out there, you red-headed, pop-eyed pie¬ 
faced boob! ” he shouted. 

“ Why, Willie! ” exclaimed the astounded aunt. 

“ That’s right, chew the rag,” he retorted. “ We’re 
five minutes late already. Get the ’ell outa here! ” 
And he hopped on the last chair. 

_ 

FEASIBLE 

The depot of a certain southern town is, for some 
unknown reason, located about a mile from the town. 
It might be better to say that the town was built a 
mile from the depot. One night a weary salesman 
said to a darky who was driving him to the hotel: 

“ Old man, why in thunder did they put this depot 
so far from town? ” 

“ Well, boss,” he answered, “ I s’pose dey wanted 
de depot jest as near as possibly to cle railroad.” 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


105 


IT MISSED FIRE 

The students of a certain college grew so wild and 
reckless after school hours that the dean thought it 
about time to reprove them for their conduct. He 
lectured for some time on morality, much to the 
humility of the students. Dramatically he finished 
his talk with: 44 My young friends, the floors of Hell 
are paved with champagne, automobiles, chorus 

Then a voice from the rear of the hall shouted: 
44 O Death, where is thy sting? ” 


IT’S A GOOD DOG NOW 

A minister in an eastern town usually preached for 
an hour at a time. Recently one of his sermons only 
lasted ten minutes. At the conclusion of the brief 
remarks he explained: 

44 Friends, I regret that I cannot say more this 
morning. My dog this morning playfully ate the 
portion of the sermon that I have not delivered. Let 
us pra}'.” 

After the service a man who was a member of 
another church shook hands with the minister and 
asked: 

44 If you please, sir, I would like to know whether 
that dog of yours has pups. If so, I want to get one 
for our minister.” 


APPETITE BILL 

Whenever I am fortunate to be in a gathering of 
this kind with so many good eats before me it reminds 
me of Old Appetite Bill, as they called him. 

Anyone who was acquainted with Appetite Bill 







106 


GOOD TOASTS 


recognized him as a power when it came to feed. 
When John Usher used to serve a boiled dinner on 
Mondays Bill thought nothing of assimilating three 
heads of cabbage and the appropriate accompaniment 
of ham or corned beef, while he assisted digestion with 
a peck of potatoes and a couple of loaves of bread. 
Bill was great on boiled dinners, but when it came to 
pie he was a marvel. 

He wasn’t so strong on the quantity of pies he 
could eat as he was on the number of pies he could 
bite through when they were placed one on top of the 
other. He had a record of making his teeth meet 
through a layer of six pies—thick ones, too—but he 
wouldn’t bet on more than five. 

Of course, a man who can bite through three pies 
can make a fortune if he only has a stake, so you can 
imagine how Bill would clean up the gilt of a new 
town when he would begin on three and then play 
progression. 

Well, friends, when Appetite Bill first struck 
Happy Hollow and began his pie-biting stunts he kept 
the hoys broke, so it was concluded that a job should 
be put up on him. One day one of the boys offered 
to bet him that he could not bite through four lemon 
pies. Bill looked at him mournfully and pulled out 
his roll. 

44 Bring on your pies,” he said. 

It wasn’t long before the challenger returned with 
the pies, baked to order. Everybody on the row, 
except Bill, knew that a tin pie plate had been slipped 
into one of the pies. Men burned themselves with 
their cigars to keep from laughing as Bill picked up 
the pies. He opened his mouth and inserted the edges 
of the pies. Then he bit. 



AND FUNNY STORIES 


107 


When his teeth met against the pie plate the most 
surprised expression you ever saw in your life spread 
over his face. Then he grew red behind the ears and 
he drew himself together. Then, with determination, 
he gave one mighty bite and put the pies down, while 
he spat out a lot of crust and filling and calmly took 
a semicircular piece of the tin plate from his mouth. 
The crowd nearly fainted as Bill gathered in the 
stakes and remarked: 

“ Boys, you oughter of put in a stove lid. Tin 
ain’t no obstacle.” 


UNSOLICITED ASSISTANCE 

In a speech not long ago an orator was eulogizing 
Daniel Webster, and referred in complimentary terms 
to his dictionary. A man in the front row, noticing 
the orator’s error, cupped his hands in the form of a 
megaphone and loudly whispered: 

“ You’re wrong, Mister, Noah made the diction¬ 
ary.” 

The orator gave the would-be helper a scornful 
look and hissed back: 

“ You’re crazy! Noah built the ark.” 


GETTING STARTED 
Mr. Toastmaster, Gentlemen: 

My speech is not of my own composition. It is 
written by a man who knows what he is talking about. 


FAIR FOR ONE AS THE OTHER 

Billings, like a lot of other men, got married. His 
weekly salary amounted to the handsome sum of 







108 


GOOD TOASTS 


eighteen dollars. On the evening of his first pay-day 
after his marriage, he took one dollar from the 
envelope and gave the remaining seventeen dollars to 
the wife. On the second pay-day he gave his wife one 
dollar and kept the remaining seventeen for himself. 

“ Why, John,” she cried, “ how on earth do you 
think I can manage a whole week on a paltry dollar? ” 

“ Darned if I know,” he answered. “ I had a 
rotten time of it myself last week. It’s your turn 
now.” 


SHORTAGE OF MATERIAL 

Little Jimmie was laboriously patting mud into 
shape and the structure upon which he was working 
had gained some semblance of a house or shed. As 
he was putting on the finishing touches the minister 
of the neighborhood church strolled along, noticed 
the piece of architecture, and stopped. 

“ What are you building, Jimmie? ” he asked. 

“ Jes’ a church,” answered Jimmie. 

“ And where is the minister ? ” 

“ Ain’t got enough mud,” was the prompt reply. 


NOTHING TO HOLLER ABOUT 

Ikey Cohenstein and Mike O’Flarety were fighting 
side by side in the late war when a shell burst at the 
side of Ikey. 

“ Oi, oi! Mine gracious ! ” yelled Ikey. 

Mike stopped in the act of slipping another clip of 
shells in his rifle. 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


109 


“ What the divil ye Oi, oi-ing about?” he asked. 
“ Oi! ” cried Ikey. “ Mine arm vas shotted avay! ” 
Mike turned away in disgust. 

44 Cut out yez dom yellin’. Look at thot mon next 
to yez. He’s got his head shot away and he ain’t 
howlin’ about it.” 


THE TEMPERAMENTAL MULE 

Sam White had a mule that caused much envy in 
the heart of Rastus Green, an acquaintance. Rastus 
finally induced Sam to sell the animal, and drove 
away with his new purchase in the highest of spirits. 
The next day Rastus entered the village—on foot— 
with fire in his eye and a razor in his hand. At 
length he found Sam. 

44 Hello, Rastus,” greeted Sam, genially. 44 How 
come you walkin’ ? What you done with vo’ mule ? ” 

44 You know dog-gone well why I’s walkin’,” 
growled Rastus. 44 You got to make good on dat 
mule.” 

44 Ain’t nothin’ wrong with dat mule,” returned 
Sam. 

44 Oh, ain’t dey? ” snapped Rastus. 44 Nothin’ 
wrong, only he’s stone blind.” 

44 You sho’ is crazy, Rastus,” declared Sam. 44 Dat 
mule kin see as good as you an’ me kin.” 

44 Huh! ” snorted Rastus. 44 How come de very 
fu’st time I drives dat mule he runs his haid smack- 
bang into a telegraph pole if he done seen it? He’s 
blind, dat’s what! ” 

44 Oh, he ain’t blind,” explained Sam. 44 Dat mule 
seen de pole, all right. He jes’ don’t give a damn.” 







110 


GOOD TOASTS 


PLAYING SAFE 

A young Philadelphia couple were recently married 
and immediately following the ceremony left for a 
honeymoon trip to northern Indiana. Here they de¬ 
cided to put up at a summer hotel for a while on the 
shore of one of Indiana’s beautiful lakes. Upon their 
arrival there they employed a colored man to look 
after their luggage, the bridegroom giving him ex¬ 
plicit instructions about removing all the labels from 
their trunks so that no • one would know that they 
were newlyweds. He tipped the colored man gen¬ 
erously to insure against that gentleman letting it 
leak out that they were just recently married. 

Two or three days later, whenever the bride left her 
room she noticed that everyone rushed to get a view r 
of her. She informed her husband of the guests’ 
strange actions and he, thinking that the colored man 
had broken his word, called the latter to the carpet. 

“ Hones’ to goodness, boss, I ain’t tol’ nobody 
a-tall dat you-uns was jes’ married. De fac’ am, 
boss, dat I tol’ dem you-uns wasn’t married a-tall, 
but w r as jes’ good friends.” 


ORDERS IS ORDERS 

The officer of the day was making the rounds of 
the numerous posts to make sure that the men on 
guard were following out their special and general 
orders. It was necessary for him to cross Post 
Number 4 tv T ice, where he w r as halted each time by the 
colored recruit on duty there. 

“ This is the second time you have halted me,” he 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


111 


bellowed at the colored guard, more for a test than 
anything. 44 What are you going to do next? ” 

44 Neber yo’ min’ what I’s gonna do. Mali orders 
am to call 4 Halt! ’ free times, an’ den shoot to kill! ” 


ANOTHER VERSION OF IT 

An automobile dashed along the country road. 
Turning a curve, it came suddenly upon a man with 
a gun on his shoulder and a weak, sick-looking dog 
beside him. The dog was directly in the path of the 
motor car. The chauffeur sounded his horn, blit the 
dog did not move until he was struck. After that he 
did not move. 

The automobile stopped and one of the men got 
out and came forward. He had once paid a farmer 
ten dollars for killing a dog that belonged to another 
farmer. This time he was wary. 

44 Was that your dog? ” he asked. 

44 Yes.” 

44 Looks as if we killed him.” 

44 Reckon on how it looks thata way.” 

44 Very valuable dog? ” 

44 Not so very.” 

44 Will five dollars satisfy you? ” 

44 Yes.” 

44 Well, then, here you are.” He handed a five- 
dollar bill to the man with the gun and added 
pleasantly, 44 I’m sorry to have broken up your 
hunt.” 

44 I wasn’t goin’ huntin’,” replied the other as he 
pocketed the bill. 44 I was just goin’ down to the 
woods to shoot the dog.” 





112 


GOOD TOASTS 


IT WAS LIKE THIS 

It wasn’t anything unusual; those after-dinner 
tiffs of theirs. But this time Jones cooled down 
quicker than usual. After all, peace was a good 
thing and well worth the having. He decided to try 
woman’s weak point, dress, and so remarked in a 
pleasant voice: 

“I see dresses are to be worn longer than usual 
this season.” 

But the hard lines at the corners of her mouth were 
still there. 

“ Well,” she observed, bitterly, “ if they wear them 
any longer than I’m compelled to wear them they’ll 
have to be made out of sheet iron! ” 

And then they started all over again. 


MY PHILADELPHIA! 

A speaker from Philadelphia became enthusiastic 
recently while comparing some of the other cities 
with his own home town. 

“ Philadelphia’s location,” he said, “ makes it one 
of the greatest inland seaports in the country and, 
located as it is, between the two greatest oceans in 
the world—the Atlantic on the east and the Pacific 
on the west—it occupies a very advantageous posi¬ 
tion as - an historical center. And then being 
bounded on the north by Niagara Falls and New 
Jersey across the river, it makes it a city well to be 
proud of. Being a large city of many people it is 
well populated. It is just below the coal district and 
just above the Delaware River—when the tide is out.” 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


113 


MYSTERIOUS 

A traveling man on a Wabash sleeper, on awaken¬ 
ing in the morning, found under his berth one black 
shoe and one brown one. He called the porter and 
directed his attention to the error. The porter 
scratched his woolly head in utter bewilderment and 
muttered: 

“ Now ef dat don’t beat all. Dat’s de second time 
dis mawnin’ dat dat mistake’s happened.” 


NO CAUSE FOR WORRY 

In a small country church the pastor took for his 
text, 44 Better church attendance.” In his sermon 
he held that the automobile has taken more people 
away from church than any other thing. He con¬ 
cluded with the exclamation: 

44 The flivver has taken more people to hell than 
any other thing that 1 can mention.” 

An old lady in the rear of the church began clap¬ 
ping her hands and moaning: 

44 Praise the Lord! Praise be to the Lord! ” 

44 What’s the matter, sister? ” asked the pastor. 

44 That car never went any place that it couldn’t 
make the round trip, and I am sure that all those 
people in hell will be back. Praise the Lord! ” 


A SLIGHT MISTAKE 

44 Be sure you’re right, then go ahead,” can be 
used to such good advantage in so many different 
ways. In a Pullman recently a young man noticed 





114 


GOOD TOASTS 


an elderly, dignified-appearing gentleman trying to 
get into a light topcoat. The younger man rushed 
to his assistance, and in helping him with the garment 
noticed a good-sized whiskey flask protruding from 
one of the pockets. Being of a waggish nature, he 
appropriated the bottle, helped the stranger on with 
the coat, and then, pulling out the flask, said, “ Will 
you take a drink? ” 

The old gentleman did not recognize the bottle as 
his own, and drawing himself up, remarked rather 
severely: 

“ No, sir, I Yiever drink.” 

“It won’t hurt you, sir,” insisted the } r oung 
fellow, “ it’s the best.” 

“ Young man,” said the old gentleman, speaking 
loud enough for all in the car to hear, “ if you per¬ 
sist in drinking whiskey you will be a ruined man 
before you are fort}^. It is the curse of the land. 
When I was a boy my mother died, and the last thing 
she did was to call me to. her bedside and say, 6 John, 
promise me that you will never touch a drop of 
liquor.’ ” 

“ Oh, well, in that case,” said the joker, “ I must 
drink it myself.” Whereupon, he pulled the cork 
and took a long drink. A moment later he dropped 
the bottle with a wild exclamation and at the same 
time endeavored to give an imitation of an Indian 
dance. 

It was then that the old gentleman discovered his 
loss, and remarked, “ Young man, you’ve made a 
mistake. I am a physician and you’ve drunk a 
prescription that I’ve just made up of quinine and 
iron.” But the young man was already in search 
of a drinking fountain. 



AND FUNNY STORIES 


115 


THE FIRST LESSON 

Elihu Root once told a story about himself and 
his efforts to correct the manners of his office boy. 
One morning the young autocrat came into the office, 
and, tossing his cap at a hook, exclaimed : 

“ Say, Mr. Root, there’s a ball game down at the 
park to-day, and I want to go down.” 

Mr. Root was perfectly willing that the bo}^ should 
go, but thought he would teach him a little lesson in 
good manners. 

“ James,” he said, 44 that isn’t the way to ask a 
favor. Now jmu sit down in my chair and I’ll show 
you how to do it properly.” 

The bo}^ took the office chair, and his employer 
picked up his cap and stepped outside. He then 
opened the door softly, and, holding the cap in his 
hand, said quietly to the small boy in the big chair: 

44 Please, sir, there is a ball game at the park to¬ 
day. If you can spare me I would like to get away 
for the afternoon.” 

In a flash the boy responded: 

44 Why, certainty, Jimmie; and here’s fifty cents to 
pay your way in.” 


DEPENDABLE• 

Several married men, in the confidential mood 
which might be expected to ensue at the end of a 
clambake at a country club, were discussing the short¬ 
comings of their respective wives. One man, whose 
little domestic affairs and difficulties were tolerably 
well known, at last spoke up. 44 My wife,” he said, 
44 has the most even temper in the world. She’s mad 
all the time.” 




116 


GOOD TOASTS 


STUBBORN? 

Down in the Blue Ridge Mountains a northern 
traveler came across a mountaineer who was having 
more than the usual difficulties in persuading his mule 
to proceed. Arguments, cursing and beating were of 
no avail. 

44 Stubborn? ” inquired the man from the North. 

44 Stubborn? ” ejaculated the muleteer, wiping his 
forehead. 44 Saj, mister, that cuss is so mean that 
when his hind legs are pushin’, his front ones are 
walkin’ backwards.” 



SOME MORE SLANG. 

Two of our doughbo}^, while in England, were 
standing in the car for the simple reason that the 
seats were all filled. Finally an elderly English lady 
and her daughter began gathering together their 
belongings, preparing to alight at the next station. 

Suddenly the elder lady nudged her daughter and 
whispered in evident trepidation: 44 Mary, mind what 
I say. When we get off, do just as I do, and back 
down out of the car. I can’t tell you why now.” 

Dutifully the daughter obeyed and they both left 
the train as if departing from the presence of royalty. 
Safely arrived on the platform, daughter naturally 
asked why. 

44 Mary,” said the mother, 44 you saw those two 
American soldiers? Well, when we started to get out 
I overheard one of them say to the other: 4 When 
those two dames get off we’ll pinch their seats! ’ ” 

Army and Navy Journal. 




AND FUNNY STORIES 


117 


A PUBLIC CONVEYANCE 

The dapper young man lost his footing on the long 
and slippery hill and was tobogganing toward the 
bottom when he collided with a stout lady, tripped 
her, and proceeded on his way, with the lady seated 
on his back. 

As they came to a halt at the foot of the hill, the 
lady seemed slightly dazed by events, and he remarked 
gently: 

“ Beg your pardon, madam, but you’ll have to get 
off here; this is as far as I go.” 

Ladies’ Home Journal. 


A TASTE FOR GOLF 

The man in the loud stockings was endeavoring to 
pla} 7 golf. The difficulty was, of course, to hit the 
ball. It was so much easier to hit the ground. In 
fact, he was quite expert at that. He hit it every 
time. 

The green turf flew in every direction. It rained 
mold. 

Swish ! Swosh ! Plop ! More excavations. 

Something w r as wrong somewhere. It couldn’t be 
his stockings. It must be the links. He turned 
helplessly to his opponent. 

“ What do you think of these links? ” he asked. 

“ What do I think of them? ” gasped the opponent, 
wiping a bit of soil from his lips. “Pouf! Best I 
ever tasted! ” 


HE WASN’T A BIRD 

A big Swede from up in northern Minnesota 
drifted into a small town after spending several 





118 


GOOD TOASTS 


months in a lumber camp. His search finally proved 
successful and he discovered a place where he could 
buy something better than was usually sold nearer the 
camp. 

“ Av want some squirrel whiskey,” said the Swede 
to the bartender. 

“ We ain’t got no squirrel whiskey,” said the bar¬ 
tender, “ but we’re lucky enough to have a little Old 
Crow.” 

“ Oh, Yudas Priest! ” exclaimed the Swede. “ Ay 
no want to fly; Ay yust want to hop ’round a little.” 


SOME ARGUMENT 


A certain young couple who were married some 
months ago never had a cloud to mar their happiness 
until recently. One morning the young, wife came to 
breakfast in an extremely sullen and unhappy mood. 
To all her husband’s inquiries she returned snappish 
answers. She was in no better frame of mind when 
he came home that evening, all of which mystified the 
young man. 

Finally, late in the evening, in reply to his insistent 
demands to know what the matter was, the wife burst 
into tears and replied: 

“ Henry, if ever I dream again that you have 
kissed another woman I’ll never speak to you as long 
as I live! ” 


QUICK-WITTED 


The negro preacher had successfully concealed the 
fact that he had served a term in prison, but long 
years of upright living had not destroyed his fear of 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


119 


exposure. One Sunday, on rising to begin his sermon, 
his heart sank on seeing in one of the front pews a 
former cellmate. 

Quick thinking was necessary. Turning the Bible 
around a couple of times, he fixed his eyes on the 
stranger and delivered himself slowly and impres¬ 
sively as follows: 

“ Ah takes mah text dis mawnin’ from de sixty-fo’ 
chapter an’ de fo’ hundreth verse ob de Gospel ob 
Saint John, which saays, 4 Dem as sees me an’ knows 
me, an’ saays nothin’, dem will Ah see later.’ ” 


A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS 

A banker was in the habit of wearing his hat a good 
deal during business hours, as in summer the flies 
used his bald pate for a parade ground, and in 
winter the cold breezes swept over its polished sur¬ 
face. 

A negro workman on the railroad each week pre¬ 
sented a check and drew his wages. One day, as he 
put his money in a greasy wallet, the banker said, 
“ Look here, Mose, why don’t you let some of that 
money stay in the bank and keep an account with 
us? ” 

The negro leaned toward him, and, with a quizzical 
look at the derby^ the banker wore, answered confi¬ 
dentially : 

66 Boss, I would, only you look like you was always 
ready to travel somewhcres.” 


THE INFORMATION BUREAU 
Two correspondents wrote to a New England 
country editor, desiring to know respectively “ the 





120 


GOOD TOASTS 


best way of assisting twins through the teething 
period,” and 44 how to rid an orchard of grasshop- 


55 


pers 

The editor answered both questions faithfully, but 
unfortunately got the initials mixed, so that the fond 
father of the teething twins was thunderstruck by 
the following advice: 

44 If you are unfortunate enough to be plagued by 
these unwelcome little pests, the quickest way of set¬ 
tling them is to cover them with straw and set it on 
fire.” 

The other man, who was bothered with grasshop¬ 
pers, was equally amazed to read: 

44 The best method of treatment is to give each a 
warm bath twice a day and rub their gums with 
India rubber.” 


/ / FULLY EXPLAINED 

* The colored parson had just concluded a powerful 
sermon on 44 Salvation Am Free,” and was announc¬ 
ing that a collection would be taken up for the bene¬ 
fit of the parson and his family. Up jumped an 
acutely brunette brother in the back of the church. 

44 Look a-heah, pahson,” he interrupted. 44 You 
ain’t no sooner done tellin’ us dat salvation am free 
dan you go askin’ us fo’ money. Ef salvation am 
free, what’s de use ob payin’ fo’ it? Dat’s what Ah 
wants to know. An’ Ah tells you p’intedly dat Ah 
ain’t goin’ to gib no nothin’ ’til Ah finds out fo’ sho’. 
Now-” 

44 Patience, brudder, patience,” said the parson. 
44 All’ll ’lucidate: S’pose you was thirsty an’ come to 
a riber. You could kneel right down an’ drink yo’ 









AND FUNNY STORIES 


121 


fill, couldn’t you? An’ it wouldn’t cost you nothin’, 
would it? ” 

“ Ob course not. Dat’s jest what Ah-” 

“ Dat water would be free,” continued the parson. 
“ But s’pose you was to hab water piped to yo’ house. 
You’d hab to pay fo’ it, wouldn’t yo’? ” 

44 Yaas, but-” 

44 Wall, brudder, so it am wid salvation. De 
salvation am free, but it’s de habin’ it piped to you 
dat you got to pay fo’. Pass de hat, deacon; pass 
de hat.” 


v NOT TO BE TRUSTED 

Some years ago in a western state, then a territory, 
a popular citizen became involved with an influential 
and overbearing character and killed him. 

Public sentiment leaned toward the defendant, but 
the law was against him. When the day of trial came 
the defendant, his counsel and friends held a con¬ 
sultation, and, fearful of the consequences, they de¬ 
cided that the defendant should plead guilty and beg 
the court’s mercy. 

The jur } 7 was charged by the court and retired. 
Presently it returned, and the foreman said: 

“We find defendant not guilty.” 

The judge viewed the jury in surprise and said: 

44 Gentlemen of the jury, how be it? This defend¬ 
ant pleads guilty, and you find him not guilty ? ” 

44 Well, your honor,” answered the foreman, 44 the 
defendant is such a liar we can’t believe him under 
oath.” 


The Progressive Grocer. 






122 


GOOD TOASTS 


. EAGER TO OBLIGE 
It was in geography class. 

“ What is the shape of the earth ? ” asked the 
teacher, calling suddenly upon Willie. 

“ Round,” answered Willie. 

“ How do you know it is round? ” 

“All right,” said Willie, resuming his seat; “it’s 
square then. I don’t want to start any argument 
about it.” 


SKEPTICISM 

They were speaking of how easy it is to raise a 
question of doubt in the human mind, when one of our 
senators recalled the skepticism of little Jimmie. 

Little Jimmie was one of the gladsome youngsters 
in a Louisiana school. During the exercises the 
teacher told the pupils the story of the Roman who 
swam across the Tiber three times before breakfast. 

“ Three times! ” exclaimed the wondering Jimmie. 
“ Did you say three times? ” 

“ Why, yes, Jimmie,” responded the teacher. 
“ You don’t doubt that a trained swimmer could do 
it, do you? ” 

“ No, ma’am,” was the smiling reply of Jimmie. 
“ I just wondered why he didn’t make it four and 
get back to the side where he left his clothes.” 


FOR SALE 

A man from the city went to a small country town 
in New Llampshire to spend his vacation. At the 
station he took the stage, which was drawn by two 
dilapidated horses, and found that he had nothing 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


123 


smaller than a five-dollar bill, which he handed to the 
driver. 

The driver looked at it for a moment or so, and 
then said: 

44 Which horse do you want ? ” 



BY PROXY ’ 


The scrappy old son-of-a-gun emerged triumphant 
from a piffling case in a squire’s court. The man 
who had lost was pretty well peeved about it, and 
when the outfit left the courtroom he shook his fists 
under the winner’s nose. 

44 I’ll law you to the circuit court,” he snarled. 

44 Do it,” laughed the winner, 44 go ahead and do it. 
I’ll be there! ” 

44 And I’ll law you to the supreme court,” shouted 
the incensed loser. 

44 All right,” answered the winner. 44 I’ll be there.” 

44 And if I don’t get you there,” continued the en¬ 
raged loser, 44 if I don’t get you in the supreme court, 
I’ll law you to hell! ” 

44 Go to it,” laughed the happy winner; 44 my at¬ 
torney’ll be there! ” 


SH! NOT SO LOUD * 

Not long ago a man entered a London police court. 
The magistrate at once recognized him as a fellow 
clubman and genially invited him to take a seat on 
the bench. The visitor was delighted at the honor 
done him, and as he sat down beside the magistrate 
he looked wonderingly around the crowded court. 

44 I see you have a remarkably tough lot of cus- 





124 


GOOD TOASTS 


tomers to deal with this morning,” he said in surprise 
to the magistrate. 

44 Hush! ” replied the magistrate, shaking his head 
to impose silence. 44 Those are the lawyers! ” 

Philadelphia Ledger. 


ARTISTIC ATMOSPHERE 

At a dinner in New York the clever artist, James 
Montgomery Flagg, told this story to illustrate the 
influence of the artistic atmosphere: 

44 You can’t escape the artistic atmosphere. Even 
my cook cannot escape it. She came into the studio 
to-day, and said : 4 About the potatoes for lunch, sir— 
will you have them in their jackets or in the nood? 5 99 


HELLO, CENTRAL! 

For convenience sake, we will call him Mr. Busi- 
man. Anyway, he couldn’t have been more exasper¬ 
ated, and all on account of the telephone. Ten times 
that morning he had tried to get a number, and each 
time something had prevented him from speaking. 
Either it was 44 wrong number,” 44 line busy,” or the 
person he wanted to speak to was out or else had been 
suddenly cut off. At last he got a number that he 
wanted. 

44 Hello! ” he said. 44 Is Mr. Hurry there? ” 

44 Yes,” replied someone. 44 Do you wish to speak 
to him? ” 

That was the last straw. 

44 Oh, no! ” he answered, very sarcastic-like. 
44 Nothing like that. I merely rang up to hand him 
a cigar! ” 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


125 


GARDEN A LA MODE 

A young man was married last spring and moved 
to a suburban place, mainly with the idea of being 
able to have fresh, home-grown vegetables from his 
own garden. 

Every morning he would hurry through his break¬ 
fast in order to have a little time to spend in the 
freshly spaded area. Every evening he would hurry 
through his dinner, rush out to his garden and expend 
much energy thereon. When the tiny green things 
began to come up in his neighbors’ gardens, his re¬ 
mained as bare as Sahara. 

44 I can’t understand it,” he confided to his nearest 
neighbor one evening. 44 Not one blessed thing has 
made an appearance. I planted corn and beans and 
peas.” 

44 Well,” replied the neighbor, 44 perhaps the seed 
you used was defective.” 

44 It couldn’t have been that,” said the would-be 
gardener, 44 for I bought the very best, regardless of 
price. Why, I paid eighteen cents a can for all of 
them.” 


SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WANTED 

She walked into the library and sweetly said: 

44 I would like 4 The Red Boat,’ please.” 

44 I don’t believe we have such a book,” said the 
librarian, after a long and fruitless search through 
the catalog. 

44 Perhaps the title may be 4 The Scarlet Yacht,’ ” 
suggested the young lady, flushing slightly 7 ". 

Again the librarian searched diligently but without 





126 


GOOD TOASTS 


success. The young lady took a slip of paper from 
her purse and consulted that. 

“ I beg your pardon,” she said. 44 I mean the 
4 Rubaiyat . 5 

A COMPLIMENT 



The attorney was new at the game. It was his 
first case and he tried to show off. In fact, he be¬ 
came quite dramatic. 

44 Gentlemen! ” he shouted, waving his arms. 
44 Gentlemen of the jury, think of it! They stole 
thirteen hogs at fifty dollars apiece—thirteen hogs! 
Just one more than there are of }mu! ” 


SOUNDS ALL RIGHT 

A wedding party was disturbed by the crying of a 
baby belonging to one of the women guests. One of 
the young ladies present remarked to the bridesmaid, 
44 What a nuisance babies are at a wedding! ” 

44 I should say so,” returned the latter, and added 
without very full consideration, 44 When I send out 
the invitations to my wedding I shall have printed in 
the corner, 4 No babies expected . 5 55 

Printing Trade News. 


NOT COLOR BLIND 

A wealthy American girl was attending a social at 
a country house in England. 

44 You American girls have not such healthy com¬ 
plexions as we have,” said an English duchess to the 
girl. 44 I always wonder why our noblemen take a 
fancy to your white faces.” 






AND FUNNY STORIES 


127 


“ It isn’t our white faces that attracts them,” re¬ 
sponded the American; “ it’s our greenbacks.” 



GOT EVERYTHING 


A negro order in Georgia borrowed the name and 
insignia of a popular white lodge without asking per¬ 
mission. The white fraternity promptly went into 
court with a restraining order. The issue was 
carried on appeal to the highest court of the State, 
where the attorney for the plaintiffs appeared to ask 
that the injunction be made permanent. He was ad¬ 
dressing the full bench. 

“ Why, if your honor pleases,” he stated excitedly, 
“ these negroes got our passwords, they got our 
hailing signs, they got our secret work, they got our 
badges, they got our emblems.” 

The chief justice leaned forward with a smile upon 
his face. 

“ It would appear,” he said, “ that they also got 
your goat.” 


THAT’S DIFFERENT / 

Judge: “ Pat, I didn’t think you would hit a little 
man like that.” 

Pat: u Suppose he called you an Irish slob? ” 
Judge! 66 But I’m not an Irishman.” 

. Pat: <c Suppose he called you a Dutch slob? ” 
Judge: “ But I’m not a Dutchman.” 

Pat: 66 Well, suppose he called you the kind of a 
slob you are, then ? ” 





128 ' 


GOOD TOASTS 




ANOTHER BLUNDER 

At the close of a wedding breakfast a man noted 
for his blunders rose to his feet, causing keen anxiety 
to all who knew him. 

“ Ladies and gentlemen,” he cried, genially, “ I 
drink to the health of the bridegroom! May he see 
many days like this! ” 



ANTICIPATION • 

Just as a traveling man was writing his name on 
the register of a certain hotel, a bedbug appeared and 
took its way across the page. The man paused a 
moment and then turned to the clerk. 

“ I’ve been bled by St. Joe fleas,” he said, “ bitten 
by Kansas City spiders, and interviewed by Fort 
Scott graybacks, but I’ll be darned if I was ever in a 
place before where the bedbugs looked over the hotel 
register to find out where your room was.” 



JUST AN ENTRANCE 

Sam and Rastus were seated in a Jim Crow car on 
a Southern railway, en route to a plantation for 
the cotton-picking season. They were discussing 
politics, with particular reference to a coming elec¬ 
tion. Rastus was a rabid partisan of the incumbent 
representative. 

“ Well,” said Sam, “ Ah likes him all right, Ah 
guess, but his platform ain’t no good.” 

“Platfo’m!” snorted Rastus. “Platfo’m! Sav, 

•J 7 

nigger, doan } r ou know dat a p’litical platfo’m is jes’ 
like a platfo’m on one ob dese railroad cabs? Hit 
ain’t meant to stan' on. Hit’s jes’ meant to git in 


on. 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


129 

THEN WHAT? 

Mark Twain, in an after-dinner speech at a certain 
Wagnerian society, once said: “ Gentlemen, lately I’ve 
been taking a great deal of interest in the works of 
Wagner. I’ve been to^ orchestra concerts to hear 
his music played. I’ve stayed at home to study his 
compositions in full score. The conclusion I’ve 
arrived at, gentlemen, is that Wagner’s music is 
really not half so bad as it sounds.” 

/ NO WONDER - 

Recently, while on my way home, I passed a well- 
dressed lad sitting on the curb smoking a gold-tip 
cigarette that smelled like a Chinese stinkpot. 

44 What would your mother say if she saw you 
smoking that cigarette? ” I asked. 

44 She’d gimme the devil,” answered the boy. 
44 They’re her cigarettes.” 


HE OBEYED 

A certain woman demands instant and unquestion¬ 
ing obedience from her children. One afternoon a 
storm came up and she sent her little son John to 
close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house. 

44 But, mother,” began John. 

44 John, I told you to shut that trap ! 99 

44 Yes, but mother-” 

44 John, shut that trap ! 99 

44 All right, mother, if you say so—but-” 

44 John ! 99 

Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and 
shut the trap. Two hours later the family gathered 








130 


GOOD TOASTS 


for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was staying with 
the mother, did not appear. The mother did not 
have to ask many questions. John answered the 
first one. 

“ Mother, she is on the roof.” 

New York Times. 


“ THIS IS JAKE ” 

A New Haven man took down his telephone receiver 
and while he was waiting for a chance to call central, 
heard this conversation on a party line: 

“Hello! That you, Jake?” 

“ Yes, this is Jake.” 

“ It don’t sound like Jake.” 

“ Yes, this is Jake speaking.” 

“ Are you sure this is Jake? ” 

“ Yes, this is Jake! ” 

“ Well, listen, Jake. This is Sam. Lend me 

$50.” 

“ All right. I’ll tell him when he comes in.” 


NOTHING SUBSTANTIAL 

Old Uncle Mose was a very sick darky. He was 
in the hospital and the nurse had instructions to take 
his temperature every half hour. The doctor mak¬ 
ing his daily call stopped beside the old man’s bed. 

“ How are you feeling, uncle? ” he said. 

“ Mighty po’ly, doctuh, mighty po’ly,” groaned 
the invalid. 

“ Have yon had anything to eat to-day? ” 

“No suh. Nothin’ ’ceptin’ dey’s a young lady 
comes in now an’ den an’ gives me a 
suck.” 


piece of glass to 










_ AND FUNNY STORIES 131 

THE VERY FIRST THING THEY DID 

A New \ ork boy and a Chicago boy were quarrel¬ 
ling over the merits of their respective cities. 

“Aw! wha’cha talkin’ about? ” said the boy from 
New York. “All de wise guys lives in de East. 
Don’t it say in de Bible dat de Wise Men came out of 
de East? ” 

“ Sure it says de Wise Men come out of de East,” 
agreed the boy from Chicago.' “ Dey come out of de 
East just as quick as dey got wise.” 


THE SPIRIT OF THE ARTIST ^ 

Little Agnes was seated at the table, drawing, and 
her mother asked her what the picture was to be. 

“ God,” replied the child, simply. 

“ But you can’t draw God,” protested the mother, 
“ because you have never seen Him. No one has ever 
seen Him, and no one knows what He looks like.” 

The small girl licked her pencil and put in another 
touch. “ They’ll all know when I finish this,” she 
said. 


TRYING IT ON THE DOG 

“ Say, partner,” said a respectable-looking man to 
a blind beggar who was seated at the corner of a 
street, “ would you like a shot of hootch? ” 

“ Very much,” replied the blind man. 

“ All right,” said the stranger. And taking a flask 
of moonshine from his pocket he filled the other’s tin 
cup and handed it back to him. “ Drink hearty.” 

“ Here’s how! ” said the beggar as he emptied the 
cup. 






132 


GOOD TOASTS 


The respectable looking man watched the other’s 
face intently for a moment. “ Got a kick, hasn’t 
it? ” he inquired. 

“ It sure has.” 

“ If you can manage to get around here at this 
time to-morrow, I’ll give you another drink.” 

“ I’ll be here; and thank you very much,” said the 
other man gratefully. “ May I ask why you have 
shown such kindness to a total stranger? ” 

“ Well, it’s like this,” replied his benefactor. “ I 
made that hootch myself, and as I have never had any 
previous experience in that line, and as I was a little 
doubtful about some of the ingredients, I thought it 
would be better to try it on someone else.” 

“ Cripes! ” gasped the beggar. “ Why did 3^011 
pick on me? ” 

“ Because,” said the stranger, returning the flask 
to his pocket, “ you’re blind already.” 


FROM THE SAME FIRM - 

Gladys (aged seven) to Minnie (aged six). “ I’ve 
got a new little sister. Came last night—doctor 
brought her in his satchel.” 

“ What doctor? ” 

“ Doctor Wilkins.” 

“ We take from him, too.” 


HE COULD NOT RETREAT 

An American officer who was a guest at a chateau 
in France had made all arrangements to return home 
on the first boat sailing for New York. His hostess, 
who spoke very little English, asked him to stay a few 










AND FUNNY STORIES 


133 


more days. The young man wanted to remain, but 
lie had cabled his people in America that he was sail¬ 
ing the following day. 

“ I would be delighted to stay,” he said, 44 but it is 
impossible. I have burned my bridges behind me.” 

“ Zat is too bad,” said the French lady with a smile, 
“ but nevaire mind. My ’usband will lend you a pair 
of his.” 


TONIC > 

A man to whom illness was chronic, 

When told that he needed a tonic, 

Said, 44 Oh, doctor dear, 

Won’t you please make it beer? ” 

44 No, no,” said the doc, 44 that’s Teutonic.” 


ON THE BEST AUTHORITY 

For a number of weeks young Bobbie had been 
coaxing his father to buy him a watch. His father 
became impatient at last and told him that if he ever 
heard him say the word 44 watch ” again he would 
give him a good spanking. Bobbie acted in a very 
subdued manner for the next few days. 

Sunday morning, when Bobbie made his appearance 
at the breakfast table, his father asked him if he had 
memorized his Bible verse for Sunday school. 

44 Yes, sir,” said Bobbie. 

44 Repeat it,” said his father. 

Bobbie looked his father straight in the eye and in 
a loud voice said, 44 I say unto you as I say unto all— 
■watch! ” 





134 


GOOD TOASTS 


BACKWARDS 

An old lady had a cuckoo clock which she prized 
very highly. One day something went wrong with 
the internal mechanism of the bird and it refused to 
cuckoo. A neighbor, who prided himself on being 
handy with tools, took the clock home and tinkered 
with it until it was fixed to suit him, then sent it 
back. Next day he called to inquire about it. 

“ Is the clock running all right? ” he asked. 

“ Yes, it’s running all right,” replied the old lady, 
“ only it coos before it kooks.” 


A MOOTED QUESTION 

How drunk has a man to be, to be drunk? In the 
Tennessee mountains, where the whiskey looks like 
water, and they drink it like it looks, the natives have 
peculiar ideas regarding intoxication. One afternoon 
a man was discovered lying flat on his back in the 
middle of the road, under a blazing sun. His hat 
was in the ditch and there was an empty bottle by his 
side. 

“ Lock him up; he’s drunk,” said the sheriff. 

But a woman hastily interposed. 

“ No, he ain’t drunk,” she said. 44 I jest seen his 
fingers move.” 


A SPOONERISM 

One Sunday morning a supercilious looking woman 
entered a fashionable church and walked up the aisle. 
When she got to her pew she saw that it was oc¬ 
cupied by someone else. Trembling with rage she 
rushed back the aisle to the usher. 

44 What does this mean?” she whispered in tones 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


135 


that could be heard all over the church. 44 Some¬ 
one is occupewing mj pie.” 


“ EVEN THOUGH DEFEATED HE COULD 

ARGUE STILL” 

Pop was seventy years old and had lived in the 
Ozarks all of his life. He had never seen a railway 
engine, and what is more, did not believe that an} r 
such contraption existed. 

His sons knew better. They had visited the 
county seat some twenty miles from their home and 
had seen a locomotive in action; had seen it belch 
forth smoke and had heard it whistle. They told Pop 
of this experience, but still he remained unconvinced. 
Night after night they argued the question, till at last 
the sons in desperation loaded the old man into a 
wagon and drove him to the county seat, that he 
might behold the marvel with his own eyes and be 
convinced. 

When they reached the station the Transconti¬ 
nental Limited was discharging passengers and its 
monster engine stood puffing and panting as if it were 
breathless from its long run. 

44 Well, Pop,” said the eldest son, 44 thar she be! ” 

The old man climbed out of the wagon and coldly 
looked the engine over. 44 They’ll never start her! ” 
was all that he said. 

Presentl3 r , with a clanging of bells and a hissing of 
steam, the big locomotive pulled out of the station and 
continued its long journey into the west. It gath¬ 
ered speed as it swept along, and in a few seconds all 
that was left to show that a train had passed was a 
trail of black smoke across the face of the setting sun, 




136 


GOOD TOASTS 


Pop watched this smudge for a long time. Then, 
taking a plug of blackstrap from his pocket, he bit 
off a large “ chaw ” and climbed back into the wagon. 
“ They’ll never stop her! ” was all that he said. 


NOT A TOTAL LOSS 

A toast to be given on the not impossible, but 
highly improbable, occasion of a marriage between a 
young lady named Week and a young man named 
Day. 

A Week is lost, a Day is gained, 

But Time must not complain. 

There may be little Days enough 
To make a week again. 


PHONETIC SPELLING 

A bereaved husband called upon a stone cutter and 
ordered a headstone, to be carved and erected over the 
grave of his late lamented wife. He said that he did 
not want anything elaborate; just a plain stone v r ith 
his wife’s name and the words, “ Lord, she was 
Thine.” 

Returning from a business trip some w T eeks later he 
went to the cemetery to see if his instructions had 
been carried out. The stone was there all right, but 
he was horrified to read the following inscription 
engraved upon it: 

Sacred to the memory of 
SARAH 

beloved wife of John Jones. 

LORD , SHE WAS THIN. 





• _ AND FUNNY STORIES _ 137 

HOOSIER CROSSFIRE 

A rather inquisitive lady was touring through In¬ 
diana when her ear happened to break down. Near 
the scene of the accident was an old barn, and in 
front of the barn stood a little girl about ten years 
old. The lady, in order to pass the time while her 
car was being repaired, began asking the little girl 
questions. 

“ Do you live here, my dear? ” she said. 

“ No,” replied the child. “ The cow lives here. I 
live in the house.” 

44 Have you any brothers or sisters? ” 

44 Two brothers, two sisters and two twins.” 

44 Six altogether? ” 

44 No. One at a time.” 

44 Are you the eldest in the family? ” 

44 No. Paw’s older than me.” 

44 Have you lived in this little village all your 
life? ” 

44 Not yet.” 

44 I mean, where were you horn? ” 

44 Up-stairs in the front room.” 

The lady gave it up. 

/ CUSTOMS DIFFER 

Uncle Hiram, who had just moved from one small 
village to another one still smaller, complained bit¬ 
terly of the lack of excitement in his new home. 

44 You folks,” he said, 44 don’t do nothin’ but set 
around. ’Specially in the winter. The gals set 
around and hug the stove and the men smoke.” 

44 How is it in Zenoby, Uncle Hiram? ” said one. 
of the listeners. 






138 


GOOD TOASTS 


“ In Zenoby ’twas different,” replied the old man. 
“ In Zenoby the men set around and hug the gals and 
they let the stove smoke.” 


MAKING HIS DEMONSTRATION 

Little Mary’s parents were devout Christian 
Scientists. They had done their very best to instill 
the principles of this religion in their little daughter. 
The mother was therefore very much startled to hear 
Mary declare that she believed that her little Irish 
terrier, “ Rags,” Avas also a believer. 

“ What makes you think so? ” asked her mother. 

“ Something that he said,” replied Mary. 

“ Something that he said! ” exclaimed the aston¬ 
ished parent. “ What on earth do vou mean? ” 

“ Well, mama, I’ll tell you,” said Mary. “ Rags 
and I were playing up in my room and he made me 
mad and I kicked him down-stairs, and every time he 
bounced on a step he yelled, ‘Error! Error! 
Error! ’ ” 


HANDS ACROSS THE BORDER 

Four and twenty Yankees, feeling mighty dry, 
Took a trip to Canada and bought a case of rye. 
When the rye was opened they all began to sing, 
“ Hi-lee hi-lo, Hi-lee hi-lo! God save the King! ” 


A TONGUE TWISTER 

A blank verse play was being presented by the 
.local dramatic club. At a certain point near the 
climax of the third act a young man playing the part 








AND FUNNY STORIES 


139 


of a page was supposed to enter and say, “ My Lord, 
the Queen has swooned!” 

The moment arrived. His cue was spoken. He 
rushed on the stage, threw up both hands and yelled, 
44 My Lord, the Sween has cooned! ” 

The audience howled. The young man did not lose 
his head, however. He calmly waited till the laughter 
had subsided, then once again turning to the noble¬ 
man on his right he explained: 44 What I meant to say 
is, 4 My Lord, the Coon has sweened! ” 

This line was a positive riot. The audience stood 
up in their seats and howled. It was too much for 
the page; he started to make his exit, but as he 
reached the wings he turned and made one last des¬ 
perate attempt to save the situation. 44 My Lord,” 
he bawled, 44 the Skoon has keened! 99 

{Exit L. U. E.) 


/GLAD TO HEAR ANYTHING 

44 What would your mother say if she were to hear 
you swear like that? ” said a passer-by to a youngster 
who had been using strong language. 

44 She’d be tickled to death,” said the boy. 44 She’s 
deaf.” 


EXPERT TESTIMONY 

A New York man went out to Arkansas and 
bought a sawmill from a native who was anxious to 
leave that section of the country. After the money 
had been paid and the deal cinched, the former owner 
climbed into his buggy and prepared to depart. 

“ I would appreciate any advice you might give me 






140 


GOOD TOASTS 


in regard to running the mill,” said the man from 
New York. 

“ Waal, stranger,” said the man from Arkansas 
as he picked up the reins, “ I’m afeerd any advice I 
could give you wouldn’t amount to much. The mill 
was left to me by my grandfather, and the patch 
where I got my timber belonged to my wife, so I 
didn’t have to invest anything at the start. My 
two oldest sons cut the logs for nuthin’ and my cousin 
sorta runs the depo’ and he toted the logs down here 
free of charge. Me and my youngest boy run the 
mill, so that didn’t cost nothin’. Waal, sir, I run 
that dang mill for two years and lost seven thousand 
dollars. Giddap! ” 


A GOOD EXCUSE 

While climbing a fence on his way to school, little 
Johnnie tore his pants and had to return home. 
Next day his mother sent the following excuse to his 
teacher: 

Dear Miss Brown: ’ 

Please excuse Johnnie for not being at school 
yesterday. He tore his pants. By doing the same 
you will greatly oblige 

His Mother. 


EXCLUSIVE FEATURES 

» A bunch of American tourists in Scotland were 
being shown around by a Scotch guide. Thev were 
trying to get this guide’s goat by affecting supreme 
indifference to everything. 





AND FUNNY STORIES 


141 


“ Loch Lomond? That puddle? ” exclaimed one of 
the Americans. “ Why, we have ponds that are much 
larger than that in the United States, and those 
mountains 'would only be called hills back home. 
Scenery? Pshaw!” 

“ Ay, but mon,” retorted Sandy undisturbed. 
“ D’ye see those three fine big buildings yon? They’re 
distilleries, an’ they’re all working.” 


ANOTHER VERSION 

Thirsty daj^s hath September 
April, June, and November, 

All the rest are thirsty, too, 

Except for him who hath home brew. 


IT WOULD RE MUCH HANDIER 

It was the first of May and Jones was moving. 
The drays had departed with all the household goods 
and furniture with the single exception of a big 
Dutch clock. This clock was the apple of Jones’ eye; 
his one piece of genuine antique in a houseful of 
Grand Rapids furniture, and it was not to be trusted 
to the rough handling of a casual drayman. Jones 
would attend to the transportation of the clock him¬ 
self. But how was it to be managed? This clock, 
like the clock in the song, was 

“ Taller by half than the old man himself 
And it weighed ’bout a pennyweight more.” 

He would never be allowed to get on a street car 





142 


GOOD TOASTS 


with it, and it wouldn’t go inside of a taxi. There 
was just one thing to do—and Jones did it. Grasp¬ 
ing the clock firmly about the waist he started to 
carry it to his new domicile. 

The day was hot, the way was long and the clock 
was* heavy. At the end of each block Jones was 
obliged to rest and recover his breath. During one 
of these rest periods he noticed that he was being 
followed by a sportily dressed individual who was 
very much under the influence of liquor, and who was 
making heavy weather of it. In fact at each stop 
before the drunk could catch up with Jones the latter 
had shouldered his clock and had started on the next 
lap of his journey. For several blocks the } 7 pro¬ 
ceeded in this manner, both men staggering under 
their respective loads. Finally, by making a supreme 
effort, the drunk managed to catch up with the clock 
carrier. He stood leaning against a lamp post, 
puffing and blowing, looking from Jones to the clock 
and back again to Jones. 

44 Sha} 7 , brother,” he said at last, 44 I been follerin’ 
you more’n a mile. Want to ask you somethin’.” 

44 What is it? ” said Jones. 

44 Why’n hell don’t } 7 ou buy a watch? ” 


NO CHANCE TO DO HIS HOME-WORK 

Say, Jack, why did you break off your engagement 
with the school teacher? 

Couldn’t stand it any longer. If I didn’t show up 
at her house every evening, the next day she expected 
me to bring her a written excuse signed by my mother. 





_ AND FUNNY STORIES _143 

KENTUCKY IN FICTION 

In the hills of Kentucky, or so I’ve been told, 

The natives are awfully wild— 

They are rude and uncouth, but their hearts are of 
gold 

And they never wear shirts that are biled. 

The women are mostly named Lizbuth or June, 
Their hearts are incredibly pure, 

They love to steal out ’neath a low-hanging moon 
And snipe at a stray revenoor. 

They’re startlingly beautiful, coy as gazelles— 
They run like possessed from a stranger; 

But they eat from his hand with shy maidenly yells, 
When convinced that thar hain’t any danger. 

The men are all named either David or Judd, 
They stand six feet two in their sox— 

Except they don’t wear ’em. They’re thirsty for 
blood 

And they shoot from the shelter of rocks. 

Their spare time is passed in the pleasantest way, 
When they rest from their arduous labors. 

Each cleans up his rifle or gun, so they say, 

And goes out to pot at the neighbors. 

They live on corn licker and feuds, I am told, 

And terbacker is chawed all the time. 

No one in Kentucky can ever grow old— 

He is killed ere he passes his prime. 

Violet McDougaL 





144 


GOOD TOASTS 

t 

HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY EXPLAIN IT? 

He ’phoned to the florist ordering a dozen roses to 
be sent to his office at once. Then he wrote a note. 
Shortly afterwards a long pasteboard box was de¬ 
livered to him. Thinking that the box contained the 
flowers that he had ordered, he rang for a messenger. 
When the boy arrived he gave him the box and the 
note with instructions to deliver both to a certain 
Miss Nellie Blank, number —, Fifth Avenue. 

But the box did not contain the flowers that he 
had ordered. It did not contain the flowers that 
anyone had ordered. It contained his laundry. 

Consequently when the young lady opened it the 
first thing to meet her eye was a suit of B. V. D’s. 

Of course the whole thing was very embarrassing. 
But mistakes are bound to happen and this one might 
have been explained very easily, only—the note read: 

Dear Nellie : 

If you love me, please wear these to-night. 

George. 


IT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HER PENNY 

The well-known president of a well-known university 
was walking along a well-known street in the well- 
known city of Boston, when his attention was at- 
tracted by a grubby little girl who was on her knees 
in the gutter, poking and scratching amongst the 
dead leaves which had accumulated at that par¬ 
ticular point. 

“ What is the matter, little girl? ” he asked. 

The child raised a grimy tear-stained face to his 
and blubbered, “ I’ve lost me p-p-penny.” 




AND FUNNY STORIES 


145 


“ That’s too bad,” said the old gentleman as he 
too joined in the search, “ but don’t cry. We’re sure 
to find it.” 

But they didn’t. Their joint efforts were fruit¬ 
less. The penny was not to be found. 

“ Never mind, little girl,” said the kindly old man. 
And taking a penny from his pocket, he held it out to 
her. “ Here is a penny.” 

The child straightened up and gazed at the coin 
in astonishment. Then, her cheeks crimson and anger 
blazing in her eyes, she snatched the penny from his 
hand. 

“ You durned old crook! ” she yelled. “ You had 
it all the time! ” 


A FEW EXTRACTS FROM EXAMINATION 

PAPERS 

Magna Charta said that the king had no right to 
bring soldiers into a lady’s house, and tell her to 
mind them. 

Panama is a town in Colombo where they are trying 
to make an isthmus. 

Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters. 

The plural of spouse is spice. 

The law allowing only one wife is called monotony. 

Becket put on a camel air shirt and his life at once 
became dangerous. 

Skeletons are what you have left when you take a 
man’s insides out and his outsides off. 

The liver is an infernal organ of the body. 

General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary 




146 


GOOD TOASTS 


war. He had three horses shot under him and a 
fourth went through his clothes. 

A circle is a line which meets its other end without 
ending. 

A schoolmaster is called a pedigree. 

The Greeks were too thickly populated to be com¬ 
fortable. 

The heart is located on the west side of the body. 

Richard II is said to have been murdered by some 
historians. His real fate is uncertain. 

Subjects have a right to partition the king. 

The kaiser is a stream of hot water springin’ up 
and disturbin’ the earth. 

A mosquito is a child of black and white parents. 

Nicotine is so deadly a poison that one drop on 
the end of a dog’s tail will kill a man. 

An equinox is a man who lives near the North pole. 

The population of New England is too dry for 
farming. 

Anatomy is the human body which consists of three 
parts, the head, the chist and the stummick. The 
head contains the e}^es and brains when any. The 
chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The 
stummick is devoted to the bowels of which there are 
five a. e. i. o. u. and sometimes w. and y. 

Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones. It 
gets into your hair even with your mouth closed. 

Louis XIV was gelatined during the French Revo¬ 
lution. 

A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope 
lives. 

Gender shows whether a man is masculine feminine 
or neuter. 



AND FUNNY STORIES 


147 


WHEN THE WORLD WENT DRY 

Old Noah, and the animals assembled in the ark, 

Had sought for many weary months to get a place 
to park. 

The Dove went out to try and find a spot that wasn’t 
wet, 

But he came back and said to Noah, “ Nothing 
doing vet! ” 

They called a meeting in the ark, the Camel took the 
chair, 

Said he, “ We must do something or we won’t get 
anywhere. 

I think that prohibition is the only thing to try, 

The world is wet without a doubt, we’ll have to vote 
it dry.” 

The Monkey said, “ I’m feeling dry but I am voting 4 ''- 
wet, 

Now Friends and Fellow Citizens: Don’t overlook 
a bet. 

This Camel’s a reactionary, double-jointed gink! 

The only guv on board the ark who never takes a 
drink! ” 

They argued all the afternoon, they argued half the 
night, 

It looked as if the argument would finish in a fight. 

“ This thing’s un-cons-ti-tu-tion-al, likewise pre-pos- 
ter-ous! ” 

Said the 

Hippo Hippo, Hippo Hippo, Hippo-pot-a-mus. 

The Dromedary shouted, “ Let us settle this debate! 

I nominate the Camel as the Temperance candi¬ 
date ! ” 




148 


GOOD TOASTS 


The Alligator answered, “We will let the people 
choose! 

I nominate the Elephant to represent the Booze! ” 

The Drys were making speeches and the Wets were 
singing songs. 

They talked about their rights and then they talked 
about their wrongs; 

The ’Ranga Tang was silent and he kept the matter 
dark, 

And bought up all the booze that he could find 
aboard the ark. 

The Pole-Cat and the Polar Bear presided at the 
polls. 

(The Gopher marked the ballots for the Bats and 
for the Moles.) 

The Adder added up the votes, then rising with a smile 

Announced: “ The Drys have won it! They have 
won it by a mile! ” 


The Crocodile is shedding tears, the Elk is wearing 
crape, 

The Monkey is a dissipated, disappointed ape. 

The only one aboard the ark that doesn’t give a dang 

Is the 

’R anga ’Ranga, ’Ranga ’Ranga, ’Ranga ’Ranga 
Tang. 

The Squirrel made some whiskey and the White Mule 
made some gin, 

The Rooster made a cocktail and he called it 
“ Settin’ Hin.” 

The Elk he made some apple-jack with yeast and 
buttermilk. 




AND FUNNY STORIES 


149 


For Life is short and Art is long! You cannot 
fool an Elk. 

The Leopard made some moonshine and he sold it by 
the jug; 

The Otter heard about it and he told the Pinching-- 
Bug. 

The Otter is a spotter, he has spotted quite a lot. 

They went and pinched the Leopard and they 
pinched him on the spot. 

The Badger swore a warrant out and searched the 
Monke 3 r ’s bunk, 

And found a case of whiskey and a lot of other 
junk. 

They also searched the Elephant (the Elephant was 
drunk), 

And found a keg of moonshine in the bottom of his 
trunk. 


“ Now listen! ” said the Monkey. “ Who is running 
this menage? ” 

He wouldn’t go to jail until the Badger showed his 
badge. 

66 1 knew this bootleg policy would surely cause a 
fuss,” 

Said the 

Walla Walla, Walla Walla, Walla Wal-a-rus. 

Next day the court was crowded till the lawyers 
couldn’t budge. 

The Monkey stepped into the dock and said, 
“ Good morning, Judge! ” 

The Kangaroo put on his specs and said, “ Now 
Mr. Monk, 




150 


GOOD TOASTS 


You’re charged with having alcohol concealed be¬ 
neath your bunk.” 

“ Your Honor, it’s my medicine that’s causing all 
this fuss, 

This rainy weather’s very bad for erysipelus. 

I never drink a drop of hootch or touch a drop of 
beer, 

It’s for my erysipe-lus; I pour it in my ear.” 

The Elk was counsel for the Monk; he rose and said, 
“ It’s plain 

The Reindeer is to blame for this—he causes all 
the rain.” 

“ I’ll fine you fifty,” said the Judge, “ or thirty days 
in jail.” 

“ Try ’n’ get it! ” said the Monkey, as he mani¬ 
cured his tail. 

Just then they heard a fearful crash and felt a fear¬ 
ful shock. 

“Good Heavens!” said Rhode Island Red. 
“ We’ve struck a Plymouth Rock! ” 

The scene was all confusion, some ran this way, some 
ran that, 

They heard old Noah shout, “All out! All out, 
for Ararat! ” 

The Elephant he said, “ Hurrah! ” The Monkey said, 
“ Hurroo! ” 

Then they 

Kicked the Kanga, kicked the Kanga, kicked the 
Kangaroo. 

Larry E. Johnson. 


FINIS 








Impromptu Magic, 
with Patter 

By GEORGE DE LAWRENCE 

A SUPREME collection of 
clever, off-hand tricks that can 
be presented with little or no prac¬ 
tice, require no sleight-of-hand 
skill and are independent of any 
apparatus. The only articles called 
for are ordinary coins, cards, 
matches, etc., such as are always 
at hand. An excellent line of pat¬ 
ter, in which humor predominates, 
is included for each trick and there 
are numerous illustrations. 

Among the many clever but easy 
effects taught may be mentioned the lemon and dol¬ 
lar bill trick without sleight-of-hand, several baffling 
mind reading effects, card in the pocket, vanishing 
drinking glass, penetrating match, traveling coins, 
four-coin trick, coins out of hat, dime and penny trick, 
swallowing a knife, torn and restored paper napkin, 
etc. 

Dr. A. M. Wilson, editor of “The Sphinx,” who 
contributes the introduction, says: 

“Many books and booklets on patter, numerous 
works, little and big, on magic, have been published. 
But not until this work of DeLawrence has there 
been one that covered both, and with material that 
anyone of reasonable intelligence could use success¬ 
fully and satisfactorily. Having read the manuscript 
I congratulate the author on his wise selection of 
tricks and on the sensible and appropriate patter.” 



Attractively bound in art boards, fully 
illustrated, well printed on flood paper. 
Price, 75 Cents 


T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 











































































































Vaudeville Gambols 

By E. L. GAMBLE 

A DOZEN dashes of variety hu- 
^ mor, comprising twelve snap¬ 
py, original, up-to-the-minute talk¬ 
ing acts for the vaudeville stage, 
complete in one volume of 134 
pages. The material is humorous 
throughout, but is worked out in 
contrasting ways. Few vaudeville 
shows contain as many laughs as 
are crowded between the covers of 
this novel book. Contents: “Don’t Make Me Blush,” 
for a small town miss and a big town mister; “Oi, 
Vot a Business!” Hebrew monologue; “The Makings 
of a Soldier,” for two male comedians; “Just Be¬ 
tween Us Girls,” a ladylike argument; “Watch Yo’ 
Step,” a colored parson’s sermon; “Passing the Time 
Away,” for a city girl and a country boy; “He Was 
Irish, Too,” for Irish comedian and straight man; “In 
Search of a Wife,” topical monologue; “Long Dis¬ 
tance Wedding Bells,” for male and female; “A Sick 
Coon,” blackface skit for two males; “Only a Wop,” 
Italian monologue; “Bringing Father Down,” playlet 
for two men and a woman. Full-page illustrations of 
all the ;haracters. 

Beautiful cloth binding* lettering and 
design in two colors, attractive type. 

Price, $ 1.25 


T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 




























Some Vaudeville Monologues 

By HARRY L. NEWTON 

R IGHT up to the minute 
and covers a wide range 
of characters. Thirteen for 
men and five for women. 

Contents. — “People I Have 
Met”— Cholly has a perfect batting 
average in the laugh league. “Well, 
I Swan !”— Reuben s impressions of 
a big city. “Her Busted Ro¬ 
mances”— a muchly jilted maiden 
of uncertain age. “Music a la 
Carte”— Bobby explains the situ¬ 
ation without orchestral aid. “Abie Cohen’s Wedding 
Day”— a ready conversationalist when his hands are 
free. “Sorrows of Sadie”— a chorus girl confides to 
a sympathetic companion. “Tipperary Tips”— Barney 
prescribes a laugh tonic. “Kissing as an Art”— effi¬ 
ciency is his middle name. “Panhandle Pete” —he 
hands out a piece of free advice. “Tillie Olson’s Ro¬ 
mance” —a Swedish queen of the kitchen. “As Tony 
Tells It”— he has an imported dialect — try it on your 
vocabulary. “Suffragette Susie” —zvho might be will¬ 
ing to change her name and pay the parson as well. 
“A Sad Lover” —elucidations of a colored Romeo. 
“Chatter”— Nat has a jitney income, a limousine appe¬ 
tite and a six cylinder conversation. “My Father 
Says”—Elizabeth does a bit of advertising. “I’m a 
Tellin’ You” —a small town guy distributes some vil¬ 
lage information. “The Precinct Politician” —as a 
political speech maker he is a good plumber. “Yon 
Yonson, Yanitor” —he turns on the steam. Unique 
illustrations of each character. 



Beautiful doth binding, lettering and 
design in two colors, attractive type. 

Price, $ 1.25 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

C23 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 




















Winning Monologues 

By LILIAN HOLMES STRACK 

p OR contests and public speak¬ 
ing. Eighteen splendid orig¬ 
inal selections for platform use in 
book form. The author has suc¬ 
cessfully portrayed various “types” 
in their most human and amusing 
aspects, and presents each mono¬ 
logue in a form that complies with 
the contest rules generally preva¬ 
lent. Each of these readings is a 
real cross-section of life. The hu¬ 
mor is essentially human, and not merely witty. Vari¬ 
ous types of human beings are represented, all in a 
fashion that has a sure appeal to any audience. The 
book is invaluable for professional entertainers as 
well as for contest use. 

Contents. —Johnny Gets Ready for Company; Aunt 
Polly at the Rural Aid Society; The Strap-Hangers; 
Little Maymie Attends the Movies; The Cheerful 
Laundress; John Tells a Bedtime Story; Aunt Polly 
Has Callers; Just Mary Louise; Friday Afternoon 
in Our School; When Edna Telephones; Johnny Does 
His Home Work; Look Pleasant, Please! Little 
Maymie Visits the City; In the Dark of the (Honey) 
Moon; The Punishment of Mary Louise; Practicing 
Domestic Science, or How Girls Cook; On Contest 
Night; The Telephone Exchange at Junction Center. 

Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and 
design in two colors, attractive type. 

Price, $ 1.25 


T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 


















Denison’s Acting Plays 

Our list comprises hundreds of titles 
—comedies, dramas, farces, vaudeville 
sketches, musical comedies and revues, 
minstrel material, little theatre playlets, 
etc. All shades of sentiment are rep¬ 
resented, and all varieties of talent, 
number of characters and time required 
in presentation are provided for in this 
list. Denison’s Acting Plays contain 
detailed description of stage business, 
characters, costumes, settings, and full 
instructions for staging. 


Popular Entertainment Books 

In this series are books touching 
every feature in the entertainment field; 
Dialogues for all ages, Speakers, Reci¬ 
tations, Monologues, Drills, Entertain¬ 
ments, suitable for all occasions; hand¬ 
books for home, school and church, etc. 
Over sixty titles, each written by a 
specialist in his given line. The books 
are finely made, clear print, good paper, 
and each has a most attractive, individ¬ 
ual cover design. One of the best and 
most complete entertainment series 
published. 

Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue 

T. S. Denison& Company, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



















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